Mental Health in Health Journey

A friend here commented that in my main diary entries, I sounded “chipper”. I like that word…

Anyhow, still doing the Wellbutrin thing every morning. I also changed my next appt. to before I leave for S. Africa so that i can get a refill.
I’m thinking I’m on this at least through the winter, as winter is the absolute worst time for me, mood-wise.

I’ve added an iron supplement that also has B12 and folic acid. I think that’s been helpful.

A couple thoughts that really have nothing to do with one another.

1. I’ve gotten things done in the past few weeks that I’ve been putting off for months and months and months. Things like phone calls (phone calls are the worst). Things that were not a requirement for our world to keep turning, but would be really nice to address/get done eventually. For example, calling someone to look at our chimney/fireplace. Or scheduling someone to clean our carpets – that’s needed to be done for…oh, at least a year.

I’ve exercised more in the past three weeks than I have in the past year at least.

I am beginning to feel caught up from my own life. It’s been a long time since I felt like that…maybe since Mattie was a sophomore? How can a pill make me feel motivated? It’s hard to believe…

And going hand in hand with that, is the way I feel about food. I’m hungry, I eat. But I’m not constantly wanting more or constantly wanting sugar. When I’m full, I’m done. I literally have never felt like that in my WHOLE LIFE. I eat when I’m hungry and I quit when I’m full. Like easy peasy. How is that even possible after decades of not feeling like that? I am eating three meals a day, very scheduled…when I used to eat, eat, eat, graze all day, eat before bed, etc. Not now. No desire. I don’t feel at all deprived…but I’ve lost 7 lbs. in the past three weeks.

1. I think the thing about depression is that it sneaks up on you. Life isn’t suddenly great and then terrible…it just slowly hits and then hits again, building on the last episode. Things hit hard - thinking back, probably the first time I was clinically depressed was the second year I was in college. I didn’t know that’s what I should call it though…I figured it was just a tough year, and I moved home, and got really busy and eventually pulled out of it. But maybe not to the level that I was before that depression, you know what I mean??

And then when I had kids, man, that was tough....for years. I for sure had severe postpartum depression after Jonah, and I kind of knew it, knew there was something majorly wrong, but I didn’t have the time or money or energy to do anything about it. I barely had the opportunity to shower or sleep. That took almost a year and a half to finally feel like I was maybe kinda back to normal – but was I at the pre-depression level that I was at as a teen? No.

Then when I stopped working at Applebee’s - I felt a little lost, uncertain of what was next. I did see a therapist, and was diagnosed with ADD, but not depression. I was never even asked if I felt depressed or sad.

Then, when the kids entered HS, the hits started coming…every year, winter got more and more difficult to get through, Tim’s mom’s care and then death, my dad and all of his bullshit/stress, my mom’s death, Mattie leaving home for college.

I did therapy in 2016…it only helped for a little bit…I did therapy again this spring…realized I really needed something else more than talking desperately…and now here we are.

How many years have I slowly not had enough dopamine, not had enough other hormones, enough vitamins/minerals, not had enough rest, enough decompression time, enough peace, enough time to even think? How can I possibly think that I can just keep motoring on and on and on and it will all be cool? Maybe this is the time to re-calibrate.

The biggest drawback to being on Wellbutrin for me is the sleep. I can go to sleep just fine, and I sleep well, but if anything at all wakes me - the dog jangling his collar, Tim opening the door to come to bed, a car outside…then I’m awake for at least a couple hours. I probably should invest in some ear plugs.