I decided the other day as I sat lost inside my own mind that it was time for me to try to seek some clarity from myself, my emotions, the constant turmoil and fight inside of me. My release throughout all my teenage years was to write, not that many read my work, at times I did share, writing has always made it easier to express all the many things running through my head. I like to call these things my squirrels, and right now they are running rampant seeking frantically for a way to escape.
At 32 years old I thought my life would be much different by now. I thought by now I would have a family, I would be further with a career, that I would all together be more established but I am not. At times I literally feel as if I am a failure even though I know in actuality I am not. My behaviors, my mentality, my entire thought process is questionable at times. I am terrified to be alone, yet I push away those who are close by my constant paranoia that those people are going to screw me over (or they have already and I just continue to never fully trust them). I never feel as if those who tell me they love me really do, I question their motives and wonder if it is simply because I have impacted their life and make it easier that they even stick around. Sometimes I wonder if I create these relationships just to wait for them to fall apart, just to wait for the constant hurt to make my heart to the point that I don’t even know if I myself even care anymore.
I continuously ask the question though: ” Why am I not enough?” I never feel like any romantic interest ever feels that I am enough sense they always seem to seek out attention from this girl, that girl and oh wait that girl over there. No matter how many times I am told it is not something wrong with me but with them the end result is still the same. I am left questioning “why am I never just enough?” I often find myself trying to suppress the hurt that it really makes me feel carrying around these feelings of hopelessness, being unwanted and no matter how hard I try never ever feeling like I will hold a significant spot in anyone’s life.
Here I am once again newly single, but this time it's different. This time although not entirely my fault I stood there and watched helplessly as my five year relationship crumbled, I pushed and pushed until I broke the glue that fought through every struggle to hold our not so perfect relationship together because I myself feel broken. I felt tired of feeling like I was putting in so much effort all the time and being so forgiving over the years, that I did what I do best and have into that voice in my head that tells me that anything I would do is justified and that it was time to test how this would turn out if the tables were turned. I stopped coming home everynight, I consumed my time with one of my best friends and his child (which I do not regret) and when the ultimatum came that I was to choose between what I was doing and my very damaged relationship I refused to make the choice even though I knew what the outcome would be. It has ended in the demise of my relationship but unlike when all of my other relationships ended I am not interested in trying to fill the void, I do not want to jump into a relationship and quiet honestly I am not interested in Tom, Dick or Harry trying to whisper sweet nothing in my inboxes telling me how beautiful I am. Yes, I know I am beautiful, I have a beautiful face, I have a good heart but ultimately I am a Trainwreck, battling my own demons far beyond the comprehension of some people.
My depression has grown, it is hard to put on that face everyday and act like I am strong, that I am happy, that in actuality I am not screaming on the inside trying to find a way to make all of this madness just stop. Everyday though I wake up,put on my big girl panties and do what I know needs done. I go to work and am a fully functional human being, most days I laugh, I joke, I smile but on the inside I'm dying. No, I am not a threat to myself, most days anyways and when I get to that point, to that level of complete hopelessness I think of all the people, all the babies that my existence matters to and as hard as it gets I pull my head out of my ass, try to wrap my mind around those things that bring a purpose to my not so glamorous life and just keep pushing forward. They say that God only gives us what we can handle, well God must think I'm a bad Bitch because so many others would have crumbled if they lived the life that I have been granted. Which in future entries I will get into more in depth of what I actually mean by that and more into depth on all the other topics in this introduction.
The moral of this, the whole purpose to me writing again, is not for you to feel pitty, it is not a cry for help, it is simply to put into words the thoughts that race throughout my mind on a constant basis. It is to help any of you who actually know me to understand what I often can not verbally express. It is to enlighten some of you on how someone like me who highly functions almost everyday still struggles within their self. And as I get more in depth with some of the things that have made me who I am maybe it will serve as some help to others who feel that they are all alone in this world, because believe me no matter how alone you feel you may be there is most likely someone even if it is one single person or a small child that loves you, someone who's life will be greatly impacted if you was to no longer exist. Some topics will be harder to read or discuss than others, the more painful it is the harder it will be to find the words to put it into perspective to get my point across but I hope that it enlightens you, I hope that it may help some of you and I hope that these entries are a good read.
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