Dear Leah, in Musings

You’re six years old today. I will never forget the brief moment the day you were born when they laid you on my chest before they had to rush you away from me. Your little eyes looked at me. Not crying. Struggling to breathe. I told you I loved you. And that it was going to be okay.

And I’ve told you that so many times since. When you make a mess. When you would fall and get scraped up. Your first day of school. And I’m picturing all the times I’m going to tell you everything is okay in the future. When friends are mean. When you fail a test. When you experience heart break for the first time.

The fact is, I can’t see the future. I don’t actually know if everything is always going to be okay. But I do know that I am always going to be here for you. When you look to me for guidance. For reassurance. For a shoulder to cry on. I’m here.

In the hustle and bustle of these early years of parenting I forget sometimes that my job isn’t just to pack lunches, make sure you get enough sleep and that you and your sister don’t kill each other. It’s also about that relationship. The one that started the day we locked eyes six years ago. The parent child relationship is tricky. I’m your caregiver, friend, and role model all rolled into one.

I don’t take that lightly. I never will. I make mistakes constantly. And the pressure to be a good parent to you is heavy. But it’s going to be okay. I tell that to myself as I tell it to you.