My upstairs neighbor is having a party and I was invited. It sounds pretty fun, I hear laughing, singing, music, and I've been up there for their parties a few times so I'm sure I met a lot of the people up there. I was waiting for my boyfriend to get home so we could go up together but he sounds like he's having fun at the party he's at and won't be coming home any time soon. So, I'm just sitting in bed, killing time, hoping he'll walk through the door some time soon and will want to pop up and say hi.
This is typical me, I want to be social but at the same time am terrified at the thought of it. And in this moment, I know how ridiculous and stupid that sounds. I often refer to myself as a social introvert. Yet that doesn't change the fact that I have decided to sit here and avoid the situation altogether. I really thought that at this point in my life, I would be over this degree of social anxiety. Logically, I have nothing to fear. They are our neighbors and are incredibly friendly, and seem to like me. (I mean, they invite me up whenever they have a party...!) I always have fun when I've made myself go up there alone, it's really just the moment of entry and then finding the first person to talk to, that's what freaks me out the most. If I was single, I would push myself. I don't know why it has to be so different when I'm not, it shouldn't be.
'I'm too old for this shit' is a phrase I say to myself all the time. And you would think at my age, this ridiculous fear of people would be gone. The best I can do is hide that it's there and get through it. It's always been there, it probably always will be there. I can reason with myself and even sometimes convince myself to ignore it but really this is just part of who I am. I want life to be more than just observing from a distance. I want to work at changing that, even if it means sweating through my shirt and babbling senselessly to people I've just met. I have a handful of good friends but a lot of times I just feel very alone and isolated. I see how people do it, they put themselves out there and deal with the good and the bad, it works or it doesn't. Maybe I'm just a loner at heart and I guess that's OK. I just want to be a better human being AND not be so afraid of connecting with other people. I mean isn't connection what life should be about? (Now I feel like I'm babbling and psychologically sweating through my shirt...!)
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