Welp I have written in a while now. So, some updates - Sebastian and I are now dating. Since Sunday to be specific. I do like talking to him and stuff but I just feel like I don’t like the affection. I feel weird when he hugs me. I feel weird when he holds my hand. Everytime I feel like he might want to kiss me I pray to God he doesn’t. I think I might be gay. Like not straight, not bisexual, but full on gay. Everything Sebastian shows affection I want to do the same to a girl. I don’t want a boyfriend, I want a girlfriend…
I don’t know what I want. I mean I like him as a person. I just don’t think I’m attracted, you know? I don’t. I mean, am I really a bad person? Maybe, maybe I am. What if I really am gay? How am I gonna tell him, and how is it gonna end our relationship? Will he hate me for the rest of his life? Maybe, maybe he will. I really want my first kiss to be with a girl though. Is that too much to ask? Actually yes, it is, but am I still gonna ask for it? Yes. Sometimes I find myself wondering what it would be like to be with Max. I know it’s weird and would never happen. But there’s always a “what if” lingering in the back of my head. What if it was her I went on a date with on Sunday. What if she was the one holding my hand. What if it was her I was cuddling with. What if that day we kissed. It would have been better. But I know she would never. Sometimes I wish I was a guy. Guys have it so much easier. And they always get the girl. Unlike me. I get the guy. But what if I need a girl. No no no, I can’t like Max. That is out of the question. She doesn’t like me. Not even a tiny bit. That makes me sad. But what about Sebastian? He totally likes me and I really don’t want to break his heart. He’s an amazing person. Kinda. Mostly. And I’m the big bad wolf. I want school to end. I want to be alone. I want to be more confident. And I will. I need time to get myself together and to figure what I want and I don’t want. As for now what I know for sure I don’t want is to hurt someone. And I feel like I will, which makes me less confident in what I’m doing. A lot less.
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