Saturday was spent with nick and Ronan enjoying the day. Nick woke up early, with some coaxing from me, and we went to breakfast. We were all in good spirits together, laughing and excited about the day. I was so overjoyed that nick was ready to get up and spend the day together so early. And it was his idea to go to breakfast.
Then, we went to pick up an antique, clean, gorgeous pink rug for $19 from some guy on facebook, and to take Jessica some zofran for her pregnancy as a surrogate. It’s apparently been really hard for her, but i feel so much love and respect and admiration for her, because she is giving up her body to allow another couple who cannot have children to have a child, and it is their baby completely, just carried in a loving womb, separate from his/her mother’s.
We then went to the mall, where Ronan and i ate cinnamon sticks, Nick took some acid, and we all walked around for a while. We got a chemical exfoliant from sephora that is really mind-bogglingly effective.
We left and nick ran in to world market to get some wine and he took another tab. Then we headed home, but drove around moody to look at houses for a little while. We got gas at one point, and i was acting like i was looking for an available pump, but kept driving in circles past them all, which made nick laugh.
I showed him a tik tok of this woman going, “my sister went down, down to the mountain. I’m going down the mountain to get my sister,” and he didn’t think it was as funny as i do, so when nick would say something i would be like, “yeah, that makes sense, but nick, my sister went down, down to the mountain,” and we laughed. At one point, at home, after he had popped his third tab, he gave me this lecture he has given me several times, where he tries to convince me that i shouldn’t be laughing at these videos on tik tok, but i disagree in a fundamental way that i don’t quite know how to articulate, but am working on. I would try to change the subject, and Nick would say, “i haven’t forgotten about this tik tok discussion,” and i would laugh and put pillows over my ears, or shove my head into the couch cushions so i couldn’t hear him. he kept talking, so i started running around the house, and he chased me, and we ran circles through the living room, the kitchen, and the dining room, laughing the entire time. i kept shouting, “my sister went down! im going down to the mountain to get my sister!” and ronan just watched and belly laughed, holding a glass of milk with a straw in it that we eventually made him spill on the new rug as we ran past him. we cleaned it up, and we just kept laughing.
he had taken the third tab by this point, and before any of this, nick was in the back yard picking up trash and items that had fallen from the balcony, and ronan and i kept throwing a ball at nick trying to peg him. when nick does acid, i feel like he really hears me, and really enjoys my sense of humor. i think he appreciates it already, and has in a way molded to my tastes more than he had previously, and is thinking of making tik tok parody videos, as well as twitch streamer, youtuber, and all of that. his ideas are really funny, and genuinely crack me up. he wants to appear aloof and lonely, and i can’t wait for him to actually make them.
we had a lovely, dream-like weekend. i don’t know what changed within, perhaps, me, or nick, or both of us, but we haven’t been fighting, and we’ve been extremely lighthearted together. maybe the stress of my old job was weighing me down so much and making me feel endlessly, hopelessly depressed for so long that i weighed down everyone and everything around me. i feel like i’m walking out of a trauma. i was surrounded by narcissists. real narcissists. i do not know how your mind can leave earth and find devils in the sky so readily, but my boss and my colleagues were all terrifyingly impure. it appears that the higher you go, the more like icarus you become. i don’t want that life. i don’t want to become corrupted. a platform made of wax will always melt, will always fall. i’m glad i’m gone.
i’ve learned that if i clean, nick will join in and help out. i think i will have to start the process of cleaning the house and it will get done. neither of us are naturally clean people. we are disgusting, and do not have the habits that normal people do of picking up after ourselves or ronan. we just don’t think that way. i’m trying to change my habits into a constant cleaning, constant picking up, constant arranging mindset. taking a few seconds to throw the socks in the bin isn’t going to detract from my day in any way. in fact, it will significantly improve my state of mind and my life.
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