July is a bad month for me in A new start in the same life

I keep forgetting to write. It’s not like I have much to say either. I guess tonight I do.

Monday, I said goodbye to Nova, my cat. I had her for 12 years. My sister had her for 3 years before me. She was going to be 16 in December. She had been having thyroid issues for 6-7 months. It was finally under control but she had developed kidney disease. I was very reluctant to board her for my trip to South Dakota. I keep feeling like she was going to die while I was gone or something would happen. I even debated on putting her down before the trip because I could guarantee that I would be there with her. She was fine when she went to the vet. I had fed her and she ate well. David had to drop her off since I had to work. Last Saturday, the vet called me. She said that Nova had taken a turn for the worse. She wasn’t pooping and was very constipated. The vet thought the beginning stages of renal disease had actually become end stage renal disease. The special food I put her on did not help one bit. I did not expect a miracle out of the food but I hoped for a few months, a year even. So, I told the vet to do supportive care and planned her euthanasia for Monday. Words cannot describe how I felt. I was on vacation planning the end of my cat’s life while still having to do vacation things. David was hardly supportive. I told him what was happening and he said I’m sorry and continued to play his computer. He did not hug me. He did not even touch my hand. I realize that I am not a fan of being of being touched. I usually lean away when someone touches me. It is one of those survival instincts from my shitty childhood that I cannot get rid of. But when I am sad, when I am crying, when I am so devastated that I cannot find the words to speak? I need someone. I need a hug. I need some fucking support. I am losing a constant in my life for the last 12 years. Our life. I had her the entire time David and I have been together. And as I am sobbing, he can’t even say more than I’m sorry for this animal, this fur baby of ours. She was our child before we had one. Needless to say, he did not come with me the appointment. It was probably better anyway. I wanted to be with her alone. I selfishly wanted those minutes with her to myself. When I arrived at the vet, the vet tech led me into a room. She was apologetic. It was not her fault obviously. Nova was brought into the room with me. She was barely alive. Hardly breathing. Eyes open, and not blinking. It was heartbreaking. I held her which was something she was not a fan of. She was a very grumpy lady. She did not like to be held but she did like to sit next to me and meow. She liked to headbutt me when she wanted pet. She used to have conversations with me meowing back and forth. She was so many things. And all of those memories and thoughts rushed to me in that moment. I sat there holding her, crying, and telling her that I loved her and I would miss her so much. She held on for me. Or at least that is what I tell myself to make me feel better. I held her head as she got the medicine. She looked the same before as she did after. She was basically dead before she was actually dead. I had her cremated. I got her ashes yesterday. They came in a satin bag inside a plastic bag. I set them on the cabinet next to Patches. I haven’t received Nova’s urn yet and I was still waiting on the cabinet I ordered for all the animals to go in, so they sat out. Sometime during the night, Chowder got into them. He ripped apart the outside bag and into the satin bag. Luckily, they were inside a plastic bag and he ripped that open a bit so some of her ashes got out. Chowder also took the bag I had with a lock of her fur and I haven’t been able to find it. I did get the cabinet set up so she is safe until her urn gets here. The only good part of this is that Nova isn’t sick anymore and she is hanging out with Patches again. I miss them both. I sometimes forget the amount of love that I feel for these animals. It’s such a pure love that feel so good, so happy that it bursts out of your chest. This is the same love I feel for my kids. Animal or person, who cares? It’s all love. And these cats, Nova and Patches, they gave me that feeling of love too. There is an emptiness where their love used to be. I try to fill it up with other things but it doesn’t work. Each animal I lose leaves a hole in my heart. I ask myself why do I even own these animals? Why do I let myself love them so fiercely? I know the end result and I do it anyway. It’s because they bring so much to my life. Good and bad. Even though Chowder was an asshole, I still love him. He reminds me of Patches sometimes.

July is my worst month. Patches died in July. Now Nova. I had a miscarriage in July too. It seems silly to blame a month for my misfortune but right now, it provides me with relief. This isn’t even bad luck. It’s life. Bad things happen all the time. This bather at work got really sick and she died last Saturday. She was 20. She had had a heart transplant about 10 years ago. Except transplanted organs don’t last forever. Her body was already weakened from the antirejection medication. This illness put too much strain on her body and heart. It’s terrible because she was so young.

I suppose I should write briefly about my vacation. We stayed by Deadwood, South Dakota. I rented this awesome log cabin. It had room for all 11 of us. It also had room for my dad to park his camper too. The road was pretty treacherous. It was a gravel road up the side of the hill that was pretty steep and had some washout from the storms. My dad had an issue getting the camper up but he managed. We walked around Deadwood one day. It stormed too. I saw the spot where Wild Bill was killed. Of course it cost money to see it but it was still pretty neat. We saw Mount Rushmore because obviously. We went to the National Presidential Wax Museum which had some of the shittiest wax figures ever. It was pretty hilarious wandering around and looking at them. I was in my element talking about them. I really come alive when I get to talk about history. We walked through a mine but Indyanna didn’t like that. My kids are used to a slower paced vacation while with my brother and his wife, we just packed as much into it. We went to Bear Country, Reptile gardens, a geology museum, a dinosaur museum,a mining museum, and this storybook playground. We even found this restaurant with some of the best spinach cheese dip ever. They even fried their own chips. It was a decent vacation. It was hard because there were so many adults and kids. We made it work. Now that it is over, it’s on to the Orlando vacation. We leave for that in two weeks. It seems ridiculous to be planning another vacation when I haven’t even unpacked from the last one. This is my kind of life. I love traveling. I want to explore and see new things. I hope that my girls love to travel.

I need to write a more uplifting entry. Hopefully that will come soon. Until then, I will continue to watch the Handmaid’s Tale and go to work and sleep. That is good enough for me right now as I try to process my loss and figure out my normal. And let it be known, that my grief over my cat is in no way diminishing anyone else’s losses, human or animal. We all grieve different. I am grieving more for Nova than I did for my mom. That is probably because my mom had so many negative emotions attached to her. Just the thought of her made me angry and upset. I guess that’s what happens when you have an abusive meth addict for a mom.