Honestly, this is really all my fault. I let it get this far. I should have seen this misery coming from a mile away.
I should have seen it coming while we were dating and he was already trying to change me. When he told me countless times that I was not good enough, and that I was lucky to have him because no one else would ever put up with me. He would leave and ignore me for days, and then come back and act like nothing happened. And I would let him.
I should have seen it coming when he broke up with me and said he didn’t love me anymore, but continued to call me every hour to make sure the pain was still fresh and that I wasn’t getting over him. One day later, he said he would take me back and then acted like it never happened.
I should have seen it coming when we were engaged, with two weeks until our wedding. He told me he thought I had gained weight and wouldn’t fit into my wedding dress. I hadn’t gained any weight at all. I cried because all I wanted was him to see me as beautiful on our big day, and now I knew he wouldn’t. He then got mad at me for crying, said he couldn’t deal with me and that I was lucky it was only 2 weeks till the wedding and it would be too big of a hassle to cancel, because otherwise he would leave me right away. Still, like an idiot, I stayed with him.
I should have seen it coming when, on our honeymoon, he started acting agitated with me, and calling me a child. Because of this, I started to check out and get quiet, so he asked me what was wrong. When I told him, he started screaming at me in the car, said he just made the biggest mistake of his life by marrying me, threw his wedding ring at me, and threatened to leave me stranded at a theme park. You’d think I would have taken that opportunity to play a do-over card but no, I let him reel me back in with “I’m sorry” and “I don’t deserve you” and “I love you”.
I should have seen it coming when I surprised him with concert tickets to his favorite artist. The plan was he would pick me up from work after he got off of work, and we would drive to the concert together. Well, apparently he was tired this night, and it was raining so he immediately started complaining about having to make the hour drive down there after work. I told him we didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to, but he continued to drive. Instead of being thankful for me buying him tickets to see his favorite artist, he said he couldn’t believe how dumb I was for thinking this was what he would want, and that he hoped we’d get into a car crash so I’d learn my lesson about assuming things.
These are only a small example of what I have gone through and continue to go through. The abuse never ends. He tells me every day that I make his life harder and that he wishes he never married me. He tells me I’m no asset to his life, and that everyone else in my life feels the same way but just don’t have the guts to tell me. Every week he threatens to leave me. He calls me names like “crazy bitch” “psycho” and “moron”. But yet I can’t get myself to leave. I want happiness so bad, but I guess I only ever imagined happiness with him. When things are good, they are so, so good. But when they are bad, I contemplate suicide. I’m embarrassed to tell my family or friends because they are all in great relationships themselves, and it’s humiliating that I wasn’t able to have good enough judgement to find a good relationship too. It’s also humiliating to admit that we’ve been through this much and have only been married for 6 months. I have nowhere to go if I left, and my whole life has been built around him.
I have basically accepted that this is my life now. If I have moments of happiness, I remind myself that they are fleeting and will soon be replaced with misery. I used to think that everyone deserved a happy life, but I guess life doesn’t always work out that way for everyone. Some of us just have to survive somehow.
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