There was a video on a website years ago of a girl. She couldn’t be any older than 16. She was in a park near a main street, live streaming to the world her suicide. As she was stringing up the noose on that tree branch, she was BEGGING and PLEADING the people on her monitor to forgive her for seeing her suicide. You could feel the empty hopelessness in every sobbing plea. In the background, couldn’t be more then a few yards away, you could hear all the cars on the main street just passing by.
I HATE those cars. I hate the ignorant fucks in each vehicle who passed this girl for being so fucking ignorant that they couldn’t open their god damn eyes for half a second to notice this poor little girl, stringing herself up to a tree. I hate them for making the last thing she ever heard was the sound of the entire world, ignoring all her pain. I hate myself for not being able to do anything for that poor little girl.
I know its irrational.
I saw this video years ago. It stuck with me. Burned into my brain. I couldn’t figure out why for the longest time. At first i thought I was just scarred by seeing someone suicide and I didn’t know how to cope with it. I have seen a lot of suicide in my day. None of it stuck with me like this one did.
I came to realize that I understood. I understood the hopelessness she felt. I understood the emptiness she was surrounded with. I understood because I went through the same path in life. I read into every detail I could find about her online. HAteful, abusive father. Neglectful mother. Family who abandoned her. Friends who used her and tossed her aside. Like a book written about my life starring this poor girl, the only difference was she accepted her fate.
I chose to hate. I chose to despise. I chose to use all of this to drive myself forward. I used this as motivation to keep going in life. I had to prove people wrong. I had to show the world it couldn’t beat me down. I had to show the world that no matter what it did, I was stronger. I was a fucking tank. Nothing could take me down. Most of all, I was going to make them pay. I was going to make them see. Make them watch as i rised above it all. Show them that this little fucker they used as their own personal punching bag was going to fucking be someone some day. With a wife. Kids. Future. Most of all, I was going to make a difference in the world.
I am nearly 30. All my hate is running out. I have been stomped on. Beat down. Ground into dust. I have been abandoned by the world. All that’s left, is a park next to the main road.
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