a little bit of a ramble on sugar and my brother, mostly in The Daily (2014)

So, I think I realized something that is a serious exacerbating factor in my anxiety: sugar consumption. Over the last few months or so I had been feeling quite a bit better in terms of fatigue. I attributed to the introduction of a b12 supplement ever morning, since vegan diets are often lacking in b12. However, it was around this time that Liz and I also cut out sugary drinks. Not really through any conscious choice- we just got sort of sick of them. Then a couple weeks ago, I started having pop and slurpees as a stress crutch pretty much every . Over the last few days I woke up late and had trouble focusing. Then today I was so fatigued that getting out of bed was a struggle. Liz and I were supposed to get a tonne done today, but I ended up lounging around and then having a panic attack when I realized how much I had to get done today. Like, full blown shaking crying yelling at myself for being a fuck up self harming hyperventilating panic attack. ugh. I so wish these were not a part of my life. I feel like my fatigue lowers my ability to cope with anxiety and I start to panic a lot quicker. So, yeah, limiting my sugar consumption again I guess!

Trying to post on a positive note- out of no where Liz is not getting misgendered anymore. I mean, she made the decision to go "full time" a couple weeks ago, which has helped for sure (and which has resulted in a much happier and less depressed Liz), but she still tends to dress up in her boy clothes and attempt to minimize anything which looks to feminine when she goes in for electrolysis because she gets really uncomfortable and anxious about her facial hair, since she has to grow it out for several days leading up to her appointment. She describes it as "not wanting to draw attention to herself" but she has also told me that a lot of it stems from just straight up discomfort and negative feelings towards herself on those days. But, she had an appointment on Tuesday. I met her afterwards because she wanted to go for $6 vegan pho at this place downtown we haven't been to in ages. On the way we went to the grocery store to buy some drain cleaner and bleach (We have a really persistant fruit fly problem and thought they might be coming from the drains- this has definitely proven to be the case with the kitchen but I have no clue what is going on with the fruit flies in the bathroom because they are /still there/ despite two very thorough cleans of the bathroom and a lot of drain cleaning. Ugh). While we were going through the check out, the cashier greeted us, "Hey ladies!". Then we went to Lush because Liz wanted to touch up her henna. As we left, the girl that worked their said, "Have a good night girls!" Liz has electrolysis right now, and she just texted me to tell me that she had popped into somewhere for a snack and the cashier greater her with a "ma'am". It's so funny, because this has all been over the course of a couple weeks. I think her face and body have seen a really big spike in rate of change over the last couple weeks. So strange to see.

I haven't been writing as much lately. I've just been so busy. My brother was in town. We went out for dinner with him and the family at a local pub last weekend then had dinner at mom's with him and my aunt irene on Wednesday. It's so strange to see how at ease he is with Liz's transition. He makes the rest of my family look pathetic. They have had so much exposure to her since she started her transition and they still stumble over pronouns and use the wrong name. At the pub, my cousin Shawn said something loudly to the effect of, "If you were /my/ boy, yadda yadda yadda". Can't even remember what the topic was. But, yeah, she was never a boy. Go away. This was in addition to him misgendering her all night. Almost every time he referred to her he said "he". It is getting ridiculous. But, Jason, my brother, never did this once. He has been totally at ease using her correct name and calling her Liz. And he hasn't seen her since she came out. You would think he would be having a greater trouble with it. I really have a renewed connection with my brother and his attitude towards Liz and my identity as queer as been a huge part of that. I feel like he is the only person in my family who really embraces me for me and her for her. Which is weird to say because his sense of humour really hurt me a lot when I was a kid. He made homophobic and transphobic (and racist and misogynistic) jokes without a seconds thought. I don't think he ever realized that he was hurting me in particular with his words, but I learned a lot of the shame i had about being queer as a kid from him. As I grow older, I can see that a big part of his problem is just simply that he does not think before he speaks. He thinks his humour is funny because it is shocking and he doesn't stop to consider the impact that he is having on those around him. He is not a fundamentally bad person... but his jokes are harmful. He has learned not to make these jokes around me now, it seems, which I really appreciate. But, I had assumed that his sense of humour reflected his views and that appears not to be the case. I can tell he realized that he might have hurt me in the email he sent after Liz came out, where he said something along the lines of, "I may have an offensive sense of humour, but I really don't have anything against trans people or gay people and I hope that you didn't think this". Of course, that is a total cope out. He needs to learn to accept that his words have consequences, regardless of how innocent their intent. But, my point was just that it feels strange to find myself in a position of feeling more safe around him than any other member of my family. When I told him that Liz and I were getting married the summer after next and asked him if he would be able to make it, he said, "oh course" and got a little misty eyed, haha. My mom hasn't expressed any happiness in our wedding planning since we started actively getting into it again. She was all misty eyes and joy when we got engaged, but her excitement waned when Liz came out. I think she would prefer I be with someone else. But, Jason doesn't seem to care. He just cares that I am with someone who so clearly loves me.

ALSO, he hasn't let Liz's transition change the way he interacts with her. God, this is a big one. All the men in my family are soooo weird around Liz now. Ray and Liz used to shoot the shit about movies and music and vinyl and weed all the time, but Ray doesn't even try anymore. Shawn is totally different in his interactions with her as well. But Jason? He treats her the same he always did. Talks to her about microbrew and star wars and movies and swaps youtube videos and jokes around just like he did with her before she came out. What other men in my family don't seem to get is that she is the /same/ person she always was. Her transition doesn't mean she suddenly has no interest in beer or music or sci fi movies or terrible action films. She is the /same/ persona and, frankly, it is sort of misogynistic to think she wouldn't like these things suddenly.

AND he doesn't ask stupid fucking questions about her genitals or our sex life. Whhyyyyyy do so many members of my family think it is a-ok to ask me questions about my partners genitals or how we fuck??? Ahhhhgkagklsdagds

People are endlessly surprising. I know that none of this should be deserving of a pat on the back- this is basic decent person stuff- but in the context of my family, it just feels good to have him surprise me like this. It has really changed my perspective on him. Weird that it happens at the same time as I am feeling more distant from my mom and my sister. He has always been a little distant from them too.

Ahh, there were other things that were mention-worthy, but I am having trouble thinking of them. I will have to update again later if they come to mind. Send me some happy energy so that I can get a lot done tonight in spite of my fatigue and anxiety.