I sometimes miss you.
When it started, it was exciting. No one could spin their words to have me gasping for air, pleading for a taste of a very poisoned apple. We both knew it but the temptation was too much. It was passionate, it was a devilish fire and we danced around the flames, laughing in the face of so much potential heart break. I saw as I was transformed into a demon, twirling in your arms to sign a piece of my soul away.
In the middle, the fire became too much to bear alone. I felt lust and had mistaken it for love. I wanted our love to be able to be seen, to be known, to be my bliss. Everything that we could of been and everything that we were would always need to remain a secret. You still had to tell someone, a brag on my stupidity and your narcissist need to satisfy your cravings. I didn’t acknowledge my narcissism, I didn’t let myself feel the guilt. I was another woman but I was yours.
My heart began to ache to see you being able to freely love her, it skipped a beat with every touch that wasn’t on my own skin. I envied her for that, I didn’t notice that it made me hate you too. I didn’t know then that I wasn’t handling it. You had been able to comfort me with telling me more lies that were just duplicates of conversations you’ve had before. I was in constant battles with myself, my heart at war with itself. My brain trying to process a life that would never be my own. I wanted so much from you, but you never asked for that.
The end was so abrupt. It was a conversation that was so brief it could’ve been said in a hallway, your eyes never met mine and I know now that it didn’t ever matter to you. Not like it had to me. Every “I love you” was just as casually drifting off your tongue as the smoke from our diminished fire. I had misinterpreted everything you had said, turning it into something beautiful…
You never said I love you at the end. That’s what bothered me the most, it was like a business transaction. It wasn’t comforting, it was the exact moment that I realized how blinded I had become.
To be more honest, I sometimes get to forget about you.
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