Do What Scares You in Magical Realism

It’s been a grind of a year. Mostly my own fault. Work has been rough. I’ve had two low performing coordinators in a row and it’s really difficult to do my job when I can’t rely on the people who are supposed to support me. Strangely enough that statement applies to my family too. Swim politics have been tough (and should not even be a thing.) I think the word bullying is overused so won’t use it here and will just call it stupid misogynistic bullshit making my life difficult. The stuff I do is hard enough even in a perfect world. I am all-around stressed and use stupid coping mechanisms. Binge eating crap food, drinking too much, not working out, not leaving the house except when I absolutely had to. Pretty much the opposite of what I should be doing for self care to make myself successful and less stressed.

I did decide to compete on the Winter Swimming Championships World Cup circuit and at the Ice Swimming World Championships, but I had to do some soul searching before committing again. This winter season I made it to:

• Lake Bled, Slovenia (World Cup)
• Skelleftea, Sweden (World Cup)
• Memphremagog, Vermont (USA pseudo championships)
• Melbourne, Australia (Marathon Swimming Hall of Fame Awards)
• Murmansk, Russia (Ice Swimming World Champs)
• Petrozavodsk, Karelia, Russia (World Cup)

I was feeling pulled in a million directions mentally and completely unfit physically, but managed to have some good swims this season. It was all heart and nerve and sinew rather than proper training and healthy lifestyle, but I managed to punch above my weight and age at what is effectively our US champs now to win three overall female titles, not my best swims but good racing. I also pulled out age group wins at the world champs and the world cup, and was inducted into the Ice Swimming Hall of Fame. I also did my best to smile when I felt like shit and be warm and kind and supportive to everyone around me. The more thoughtless cruelty and unsporting behavior I witness, the more I resolve to be the opposite.

Then the winter season was over and work took over again. I mean it never stopped, including working through the night even when I was overseas on PTO and had to compete the next day. Meaning race against people who hadn’t flown in the day before and had a full night’s sleep. Ugh. I need to stop complaining. A few weeks ago one of my yoga teachers said complaining and gossip are forms of violence, toward yourself and other people. I thought about this a lot and I really agreed.. Then today the same teacher read a similar quote - that what you practice is what you get good at. So rather than practicing complaining, anxiety, and anger, I want to practice gratitude and joy and positivity.

What else is notable, positive? In March was invited to do be profiled in a book about “the evolution of women and physical strength.” This entailed a photo shoot with one of the photographers from ESPN’s annual body issue. Her work is incredible. I felt so unfit and the last thing I wanted to do was be photographed in a swimsuit, but told myself sternly this was an opportunity I could not turn down. So I said yes. I showed up at the photography studio, met the writer and the photography team. Met Olympians, a Paralympian, WNBA player, a Bravo fit-lebrity, a contortionist and professional athletes. Everyone was gorgeous fit, tan, lean, cut. Even the photographer herself was one of the most stunning women I’ve ever met. It took a lot to strip down, get beautified by strangers and stand in front of the camera but I did it. The photog showed me photos and they were okay. Not fit hot athlete okay, but something more like a pin-up girl in a swim cap and Speedo. I typed more about this but it was all negative towards myself and that is not helpful. I am honored to be included and happy that I can help represent some diversity in athletic body types even if I am currently not my best self mentally or physically.

In May I went to Japan to give a TEDx talk. That was an amazing opportunity, and one that also scared me. But a free trip to a place I’d never been, a new experience of speaking in front of a crowd - I had to take it. I am used to speaking in large groups, but for work, about work stuff, not about myself. And not for 18 minutes unprompted. Who am I kidding, I don’t think I had ever even seen a TED talk until this invite came in. But I started to watch some talks, read books about it, and started to write my script. We flew to Tokyo, stayed in Shinjuku and managed to get tickets to the sumo tournament which happened to be in town at the same time. It was really something to see! Then we flew to Akita for the technical dress rehearsal and lots of individual practice which I really needed. The whole thing was so professional. The other speakers were so nice and so impressive and our student handlers took wonderful care of us. One of the funniest things was that on the prep day, an alarm kept going off saying that a bears had been sighted on campus! Yes, a BEAR. The whole thing was so surreal.

I hate the sound of my own voice and of course overanalyzed everything after the fact but I did okay I think. There was an awkward moment at the end - I had just finished in English but the simultaneous translation was still going on so no one clapped for like 10 seconds. I hope if they put it online they edit it, or do something to make it seem less cringeworthy than it felt. On our way back we stayed at the Park Hyatt Tokyo for a night. We swam in the gorgeous pool, took bubble baths, soaked in the views and had late dinner at the New York Bar and felt like we were in Lost in Translation for a day before heading home. The trip was way too short - as we were taking the train back to the airport we grabbed some snacks and even the train station food was fresh, cunningly packaged, and delicious. I love it there and would like to go back soon.

I haven’t traveled since that trip in early May, except for a board meeting in London. It turned out to be in Surrey so too far from town to do anything with anyone actually in London. Oops. Since then I had a few more weeks of bender life, then started back to gym/yoga religiously. Eating a bit better too and not drinking like a fish currently. I’ve replaced a lot of my television binging with binge-reading - A had bought me a waterproof Kindle, for boats and because I like to read in the bath. I got a Kindle Unlimited subscription and have been burning through the trashiest books. A always worries I will fall asleep in the bath and drown while reading my addiction memoirs and groupie autobiographies. I think of (dead) Amber whenever he says it and feel a little sad every time. We have lost a lot in our little community here, over the years. I think we’ve gained a lot too though.

It would be a funny headline, “Marathon swimmer drowns in bathtub,” but I’ve fallen asleep in the bathtub and even while swimming in major bodies of water before. What happens is, I keep swimming, and breathing, and all that. Just crookedly. There is a metaphor there somewhere.

Last updated July 09, 2019