June 16th in Inside my head

Every time I get to a point where I need to make some sort of decision the anxiety of all the different outcomes gets in the way of me even wanting to consider anything other than the norm. I don’t know why but the feeling of change rattles me like nothing else. Maybe its because I’m a person who lives in comfort, I mean realistically, I’ve never done anything that might push me in the direction of something I’m not familiar with, no I don’t like roller coasters, I don’t like heights, and I don’t like anything that puts myself before other people. When I made the decision to go away for school, I made it for me, because I felt trapped in the city and I needed to be in a place where it was me looking out for myself, and thats it, but it broke my dad. He had a really tough time letting me go and I know that, the year that I was away for school, we didn’t fight once. After that year I came home and guess what, I cant even count on both my hands the amount of times dad and Chris have made me want to cry and forget everything and move back to the middle of nowhere. I don’t know why it always has to be so hard, literally nothing is easy and I don’t know why it has to be this way. My earliest memory as a kid is me in my room crying about something that Chris said, I don’t know what because over the years the remarks have all blurred together, but If I know her it was probably something about my mom, or me being a bad person, and of course my dad sitting there and letting it happen, as if its normal to completely scream and traumatize a child. Its happened so many times that sometimes I forget that most people don’t live their life cooped up in their room feeling sorry for themselves, but to me thats just a reality. Everyone tells me im strong but it just doesn’t feel like it. If I were strong I would actually do something about my sadness and not just dwell on it. If I were strong I would put myself into situations that benefit me and not tear me down, but I guess strong is different for everyone. Today is fathers day. Im trying not to be angry and im trying not to be sad because its not about me, regardless of what I think he should have done differently, he’s still my dad, and thats more than some people can say. I know that he loves me, I know he does which is why I think it makes everything so hard, I wish he had treated me better, stood up for me more, not let me live in the toxicity but, he did, and I have to deal with that. I can either spend everyday resenting him for it, or I can move forward and try to take it one day at a time. So thats what ill do, just take it one day at a time.

Last updated June 16, 2019