June 15th in Inside my head

Sometimes I feel like the world is against me, no matter the position I am in I feel like I’m locked into a certain point of sadness that has no return. My place in this world is small, or so it feels like it. How is it that I wake up in the morning and feel like its the same day? The same routine of sleeping, eating and fighting my own thoughts. When does it end? When do I get to a place where I’m content with my life? I don’t even know why I’m writing this, maybe its because deep down I know I shouldn’t burden other people with my sadness, just in case everyone feels the same way, then they have their own stuff to deal with. Ive been home for about a month from college and I am already starting to feel it get bad again. I don’t want to resort in going to a doctor to take medication because I feel like I should do more to be helping myself without all that stuff, But thats just the problem, I know I have things to do, I know I should be cleaning, taking care of myself, going to the gym, but its like theres a huge weight, something that is ten times heavier than me, on my back, keeping me from myself. I cant explain it, its just hard. I know they say its okay not to be okay but at what point is it not okay to not be okay, you know? I don’t mean to sound morbid but guess what? Thats what my brain does. I was hoping that when I became an adult I would learn the answers to everything I didn’t understand, but it seems that the older you get the more questions life bombards you with, making you unable to catch up with any answers you may have. I wish I could skip forward to a time where I’m happy, just to feel what its like. Just to have a reason to keep going, but I guess I’m just going to have to trust that there is a plan, and one day ill make it to the finish line, whatever that may be.

Last updated June 16, 2019