She Reads the Paper Every Day in Introduction

Six and a half months into the New Year (already!) and I find that once again, I do not disappoint the gods of ritualism. Each year, I promise myself I will make some grand change to my life in order to become a better/leaner/more fit/kinder/smarter superhuman, and every year, it goes famously well - I have my plan in place, know how I will achieve my goal, - even write it down for posterity and accountability- and I kick its ass for a bit .... then fall flat about three weeks later, when all of my good intentions are overshadowed by the real me, the person who I am anyway, whether I genuinely feel that servitude/compassion/understanding, or have been donning the mask, faking it in order to be a rockstar at resolutions.

I’ve worn this mask for so long that I don’t recognize my own face anymore.

And I’m not a bad person or anything either, at least I don’t think I am, but I definitely could use some guidance and motivation in a few areas. Specifically, the area underneath my nose and above my chin. That area seems to get me into the most trouble, whether I make a conscious decision to curb some of its outbursts or the things it spews are slightly intentional. Sometimes, it just acts as a portal to welcome the forbidden - mostly in carb form - and sometimes, it’s what comes out of it that causes more harm. Usually to myself.

So I made one of two resolutions at the beginning of this year not to say anything negative about anyone - ever. (Harder to do than you would think!) As kind to others as we would all like to believe ourselves to be, and I truly do share the Anne Frank point of view that in general, most people do aspire to be good, I challenge even the most morally upright of you (actually, snarky as this sounds - I feel most of the morally upright can be the most judgmental of all) to vow not to say ONE NEGATIVE THING about another person, no matter how much they can irritate you. Instead, try to follow my resolution of REPLACING IT WITH A POSITIVE statement. But like all of my other well-meaning promises, mine quickly turned into sarcasm, and phrases that were intended to be flattering became the new low-key insults of 2019.

Such as, “she reads the paper every day”.

You’ll need a backstory on this one.

When my children were young, I spent their weekday morning PBS-time (which is more than likely foreign to the iPad wielding families of today) scrubbing our humble digs from stem to stern. I wasn’t much of a housekeeper then (as if I’ve improved… lol), really, and typically used the excuse that a messy home was a happy home. Still, I realized that it needed to be done in order to keep the hardened Cheerios in the sofa cushions to a minimum, so I would call my almost sister-in-law (thank GOD that didn’t happen, but maybe I’ll talk about that another time) Lori, an absolute sweetheart despite who her brother is (oh, and I am allowed to always be salty about him here - as long as my kids can’t hear me, he is exempt from any and all niceties) , kept the same home maintenance schedule as I did, and we would chat while working, in order to pass the time with pleasantries… or in our case more often than I like to admit, not-so pleasantries.

I would love to say that I was above all of the stereotypical gossipings that often occurs when “bored housewives” have their telephone time (I suppose now it takes the form of texting), but I wasn’t. But one magical, New Year resolution-inspired conversation was going to change all of that - and Lori and I made a vow to stop being “those women” and instead, whenever we felt some gossip coming on, we would say something nice - anything we could think of - about the person in its place. We were becoming better people, and it would feel good to see the silver linings of people, and perhaps it would inspire others around us to do the same.

As a result of some home safety issues, Lori had to temporarily play host to an elderly aunt, who, although sweet and gentle, would occasionally offer unsolicited and sometimes slightly judgmental advice. Tired of being told how she should be doing everything from conducting her finances to the proper way to scrub a baking pan, Lori would often kvetch to me, and we would “discuss” the aunt’s behavior.

The challenge became increasingly difficult for the pair of us when I would bring the family to Lori’s house for Sunday dinners, and the adorable little aunt (God rest her soul) would make a remark about how much she appreciated the hospitality, but couldn’t wait to go home, where it was quiet/peaceful/relaxing. She meant well, and probably intended no harm or ill will, though since I had the ability to go home and Lori was home, she wasn’t quite as interested in seeing it that way. The next morning, while we chatted about the previous day’s events and the aunt’s comments, Lori jutted in with, “She reads the paper every day!”

We had a laugh, and reading the paper every day became code for “what a pain in the ass”, and though Lori and I talk very sporadically these days (no hard feelings, just life), I still use that phrase whenever I REALLY REALLY WANT to talk some shit on someone who annoys me. I’m not always good at it, but that’s one resolution I have managed to at least work on in my every day.

I say that as I shovel barbeque chips down my throat, ignoring the memory of this year’s other resolution to lose the 20 lbs. I gained being in a contented relationship for the past three and a half years. One way or another, I’ll get my mouth under control.

Last updated June 14, 2019