My uncle killed himself a week ago. How's that for an opening?
Memorial services are tomorrow, and I've been wrestling with what I could say all week. I'm hoping writing out my thoughts will speed things along. Here's why: he was bipolar/manic depressive/whatever they're calling it these days, and I'm finding it hard to find memories of things he did that weren't in some way caused by the very disorder that was his undoing.
I'm pretty sure that most of the positive things I remember were during a manic state. So everything feels like cheering for the antagonist.
I wasn't asked to speak, but I feel a responsibility to because that side of my family always stayed very close. There well be no religious services because he's atheist/secular humanist like me. There will just be a 1/2 hr of open mic for anyone to say whatever they want.
He's my mother's sister's ex-husband. They just separated and divorced last year due to his disorder progressing to a point where she felt she needed to distance herself for her own protection. He was manic throughout the summer, but in recent months, he'd slipped into depression and withdrew from everyone. He sought help, but when it failed, he gave up. No note, but a couple of months earlier he told my aunt that he understood why she left and didn't blame her. A form of forgiveness perhaps, but that didn't make finding him last week any easier on her.
For me, we shared some of the same beliefs and got along pretty well because of that. I always sensed that he felt somewhat fatherly toward me after my parents divorced. Because he was an entrepreneurial programmer and nearby, I learned a bit about computers from him, and he played a part in the path that lead me into my career even though I didn't join on to his software business with him. He did approach me at around age 14/15 with an offer to help him with his business, but after he showed me how he ran his business and seeing his coding style, I declined.
But he was always there, always took an interest in everything anyone in the family did. You couldn't ask for a better, more enthusiastic supporter. Might it sound less manic to say "reliable" or "consistent"? That was something you could count on, no matter what.
Despite all else, I saw everything he did consistently centered around a core of beliefs on which he was unwavering. I never had to wonder where he stood on anything. He wasn't meek about it. I admired that from my shy corner, and at times, wished I could emulate it. To me, he was a role model of living unabashedly but always with the intent of making the world a better place, everywhere and in everything. I saw in him the embodiment of "be the change you want to see".
People say I have a way with words sometimes, but nothing seems right.
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