Birth Story in This Is Me

Birth PTSD is a real thing & I have it 100% & I’ve decided to finally share my story, maybe sharing it will help. It’s kind of long....sorry. & if you also have it, does it ever get easier? Will I ever have a day I don’t think about it? Will I ever feel like a normal mom?

Trigger Warning

10/24/18 -31w+7
I was feeling pretty good that day. I had worked my job 4am-1pm. Bought Oren a crib that day & even went disc golfing. My husband & I decided to visit my moms house since she was home, I went and laid on the couch & felt like I had to pee & suddenly water gushed out of me. I got up and ran to the bathroom thinking I may had peed myself but it kept coming out. I yelled for my mom to get Cody and she asked me why and I told her my water broke. I quickly grabbed a bath towel & told Cody to take me to the hospital. We ran to the car & I sat the towel down & I begin trying to call my Dr. who didn’t answer so I called the hospitals L&D and told them what was going on & they told me to go straight there just to make sure. I quickly began shaking as pure fear ran through my body, I knew it was really bad. I was trembling so bad, I had never been so scared in my life. I get to the hospital and they quickly get me up to L&D & my Dr just happened to be in the hallway & I told him I think my water broke (@ that point i had water down to my ankles through my jeans). They put me in a room & checked me and confirmed my water had broke & put the monitors on & started me on magnesium, antibiotics & give me steroid shots. The Dr than checked me & said I was in labor and that I was 1cm dialated. He quickly decides to send me to Erlanger 90 minutes away because they have an excellent NICU & he informed me the baby was going to be premature. They call an ambulance in & get me ready. Cody & I called family and informed them & our parents quickly showed up. Cody & I both go in the ambulance together & they rushed me to the new hospital. I started having random cramping pains (slow labor) on the ambulance but nothing regular. We get to the hospital & they take me into the L&D triage & check me, they also confirmed my water had broke & that I was at 1cm still. They put me in a room & hook me up to the monitors & after an hour or so they tell me that I’m not in active labor & take me off the monitors & magnesium. The Dr tells me the plan is to keep Oren in at least 2 more weeks while being on antibiotics & steroids to help Oren’s lungs to grow a bit more but he would be born at 34w at the latest. Our parents decide to go home & Cody even went & got us food from Chik-fil-a, which I never got to eat. Cody even laid down and fell asleep. An hour or so later around 12:15am they come in to do an ultrasound to check Orens position & fluid levels. We discover he is transverse (butt down) & surprisingly I still had a lot of amniotic fluid, I remember the Dr was surprised because she saw how much I had leaked already. Towards the end of the ultrasound I started feeling crampy about every 5 minutes & I realize I’m having contractions (at the time they were only at a 3 out of 10 on the pain scale). The dr leaves the room for about an hour & in that hour the pain went from a 3 to a 10 quickly. I tell the nurse and they put me back on the monitors & they tell me that it’s not showing any contractions as bad as I was clearly going through. I was gripping the bed and holding my breath because it hurt so bad. I hear a nurse say Orens heart rate was dropping & suddenly more & more nurses show up. I had like 3 nurses moving my belly around, one was telling me how to breathe. They kept having me move from laying on my left side to my right side to try to help Orens heartrate. They put an oxygen mask on me to try to help. Doctors start to show up & one of them grabs a cellphone turns on the flash to check my cervix and they inform me it is gone. I probably had 15 people in the room all nurses/doctors. At this point I’m feeling every urge to push but I’m fighting it with all my might because I knew he was butt down. They quickly rush me into L&D & give me another ultrasound to check Orens position again & his heartrate starts dipping even lower. At this point it feels like I’m in a neverending contraction, the pain was so intense I couldn’t think straight or even talk, I remember looking at Cody and he looked terrified & I saw them hand him papers. I also notice the amount of nurses/doctors and realize this is really bad. They rush me into the operating room & start giving me anesthesia (I never got to have an epidural so I had to be put under for it) & I quickly pass out. I woke up almost 2 hours later to the nurses pushing down on my uterus & thought I was going through labor again. When they were done & I caught my breath I asked about Oren, they told me he is 3# and in the NICU & stable. They also tell me I lost a liter of blood, that really scared me to hear. They told me they think I’ll be fine since my blood had clotted. I than ask for ice & for them to get Cody(in that order). Cody comes in and tells me about Oren & shows me a picture of him. My heart sunk, Oren was so small & had so many tubes in the picture. They finally put me in a regular room & told me I could visit Oren when I was ready. It took me 12 hours to finally get the courage to see him for the 1st time. I notice Orens back is badly bruised & they tell me it was from him being transverse and stuck in my pelvis. I still feel guilty for it. I was afraid to see him because I wasnt sure if he would make it so I didn’t want to bond. It took me 3 days to finally allow myself to bond with him. Within those 3 days I learned it all happened because I have a bicornuate uterus (less than 1% of women suffer from it)& that I should’ve been high risk from day 1. They also told me I was lucky to make it to 32 weeks with him. This birth has completely traumatized me & knowing my body caused it all has left me feeling guilty even though it was out of my control.