and again... in Everyday Rants...

  • June 3, 2019, 2:42 a.m.
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  • Public

So things have hit the wall again, and since I’ve no one irl locally to talk to and my non local friends have their own lives (and I feel guilty bothering them with my bs problems) I’m here.
So I’ve been giving higher consideration to moving home since January, and had been getting these innocuous signs that maybe it was time. Things like a customer moving back to my home town, hearing what sounded like a great horned owl in the nearby trees - something we always associated with my grandpa cause he used to do that when he got home, a bunch of dragonflies in my yard (associated with my mom) way earlier than season would would normally bring then in. The nail in the decision was when my sweet mutt got very sick very suddenly and I had to have her put to sleep. That just broke me.
It’s time. At the end of this month, I’ll have been in this area for 9 years, 8 of which have been spent in this house. This area is doing no good for me.
It’s also gotten significantly dumber, and significantly more expensive - and considering they are aiming for a per-mile tax on all roads in the area, it’s only going to get worse. I had wanted to start my own business here, but that’s gone out the window. I won’t make enough to be worth my efforts.
I also miss my friends and they miss me. That alone is enough to go home at this point.
So I am slowly packing things up. I need a shipping container, because I want to make this move in one trip. I just have to actually call and get the price on it and make arrangements. But that’s a call I’m having a hard time making. It’s screwing with my anxiety. Joys of aspberger’s, big changes mean big anxiety. My depression isn’t helping, but I’ll get to that. Once I make the call and that container gets put in the yard, I’m committed. The move is becoming real. And that scares the hell out of me. Last time I moved, I had BD with me, so it wasn’t so hard. This time it’s just me, and I have a lot more stuff to move. Plus, while I’ve been through the process of buying a house once, I’ve never sold a house, which I’ll have to do. This has all gotten my anxiety way off the scale.
At the same time, I’m fighting a massive depression, that my antidepressants aren’t fully helping. They’re helping me sleep, but when I get home from work, I’m barely functional. I too easily put off doing things. Which is why I still haven’t made it to the grocery store since I said I needed to go restock 4 days ago, and spent this afternoon trying to mow down grass that was about 2 feet tall. I’m going to get an appointment to go in. I need to have my eyes checked again anyway.
So it all culminates in me still managing to fake smiles at work, but avoiding people outside of work, and barely able to pry my ass off the couch after work and on weekends. The problem with that is I want to be back home by the end of the year. I HAVE to get moving on this more. I just wish I weren’t doing it alone.
And no, still no go on the dating scene since I found out about MC cheating. At this point, I just want a lot of hugs and snuggling. To hell with the rest of the physical stuff.

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