6. Weekend News in A TIRED MARRIED MAN

Well as the 3-day weekend hit we got the news that our 2 foster kids that are just a pain in the ass to live with, are getting re-homed today! So they will probably have a new home before i even get back from work today. I can hear the angles singing now. I have had over 10 foster kids in and out of my life, and to me, these two are the hardest I have ever had. They are getting better, but they seem to be at a point now where they need actual mental help to help them make decisions that will grow them into better teens and eventually adults. They need better councilors that will dive deeper into their anxiety issues, their bad habits of stealing and lying on a daily basis.
Anyway, this news meant that we had lots of work to do over the weekend while they were in respite care over the weekend. My 20yr adoptive daughter wanted to move into the foster girls room, as she was leaving and wouldn’t need it, but this means i’ll need to break down the bunk bed in there and my wife wanted me to put that on craigslist and also go to Lowes and get a new carpet and lay that out in there as well.. so long story short, i got the room done by 9pm that night, new carpet, and my triple bunk-bed on craigslist. “A” got all moved into her new room and is very happy with her setup. She is a young adult and needed more space anyway so she feels like she has an actual apartment setup, I need to help her get a car and a key to the house and I think she’ll be good to go.
So why sell the bunk-bed? because after we found out that these kids got a new home, my wife had a 4 hour emotional breakdown and talked with her mom on the phone for a long time. She feels like her life purpose is over and she just needs to stop fostering because of me, it seems that I’M the one she’s blaming for us losing the kids, when really it’s just THOSE two kids that are just too much for me, i said that too her, and she said “You were like this with the last two we had and then the kids before, you are just not cut out for this type of life, and it’s too stressful for you, which hurts us and our marriage, so the best move we can do right now is stop doing all that and just focus on our three kids we have now.” I couldn’t argue with that, but i had a hard time watching her in pain over it, it makes me want to say “well then don’t stop because of me” but that would be bad because everything is already in motion for that exact thing and on top of that, i believe her and I can see how she’s sacrificing something she has wanted to do her whole life, because of me. The only thing I want to tell her now is “why me? why stop for me? why be with me? am i really worth it to you? ” i am so damn confused, I’m very happy that these two kids are gone today, and feel my life opening back up again, i feel like I can breath again and finding reasons to come home and improve everything again, and this feeling has been gone for so long, but yet i feel like if my wife has some long term anxiety/depression because of this, well… it’s my fault for not being able to just stay happy with the kids, to just suck it up longer, to just put on my fake face about how everything is ok even longer. for her.

Why do deep relationships suck ass so much, why do i have to care this much about anything or anybody? I really don’t want to care this much, and i feel like i’m forced to.