Thanks to my private noters for saying I'm beautiful. I like how I look. I like who I am even more. Amanda gets told she's beautiful by random people and friends all the time. I rarely ever get hit on or get told I'm attractive. Bryan says it occasionally but that's about it. I can count on one hand how many times I've been called attractive in real life. I don't know why because I don't feel ugly...I guess its just one of those things...
I'm really upset. Depressed maybe? I haven't been sleeping well. I'm 35 weeks pregnant now and I get up several times a night because this baby cant stand it when I lay down. As soon as my head hits the pillow or even if I prop myself up in bed he starts going apeshit like I'm trying to kill him. My doctor said its normal but it doesn't feel normal to me. I have to get up and walk around or stand there and swing my hips until he goes back to sleep and then I lay back down. Takes about 10 or 20 minutes for him to realize I'm laying down again and the whole thing starts all over. Everyones like oh its just practice for when he's here and I'm like bite me. It doesn't matter if its normal or its preparing me for something, it still fucking sucks. I don't do well without sleep.
A few weeks ago I broke down in hysteria because Bryan and I have no savings. Mom or friends have bought every single thing for my son. I have no money. Bryan makes 300 a week. Mom is paying my car insurance, both our cell phones, my dental and health insurance, the house payment, all utilities, and all of my medical bills. Yeah. I feel pretty worthless about it seeing as how a year ago I lived on my own and was entirely self sufficient except for when my old boss used to help me out with medical stuff. I can't qualify for any assistance because my grandmother pays for my education and my parents have assets worth more than the cut off for assistance. I have a medical card to cover the baby buts that all I could get.
I asked Bryan if I could hold on to the money this week. We still ended up spending 200 before two days had passed. We had discussed going out to eat tonight but that's not going to happen. I can't even afford to drive to go see any of my friends. Thats the hardest part. Amanda has no car so unless she wants to take the bus then hike the rest of the way we can only call each other.
I have insisted since Ruffus moved in here with us that the dog goes when the baby comes. The whole point was I physically cannot care for an 80 lb dog and a newborn infant and financially Ruffus is quite the burden. Bryan comes and tells me his dad is being charged half his paycheck for child support and though he will take Ruffus when he gets a new place, we will have to pay for his expenses. Great. Just great.
I don't know what to do anymore. We're doing a comic book theme in the baby room. I painted 7 little paintings of the justice league over a few days and Bryan has done 4 paintings of the avengers. He takes two or three days total to do what takes me maybe 3 hours. He keeps saying he's going to finish but how? You've got 4 weeks and 5 days left and it taken you months to do these.
I find my love for him dwindling everyday. It's not that he's mean to me or that I don't love his personality its just...he doesn't seem to care about the things I care about and his priorities in life are completely different than mine. I guess I've known that. I've known that for ten years. Maybe I just ran to him because Sam hurt me so bad. Probably.
Now that I'm about to be a mother its slowly dawning on me how much stuff I'm going to have to do by myself. Bryan is never going to get his GED or go to college. He's never going to learn to drive. For the rest of my life I will have to work around a schedule where I can take Bryan to his minimum wage job and pick him up. if Atticus ever gets sick or needs to be somewhere it will be up to me. If I ever need to get my car fixed, buy a new one, buy a house, go anywhere fun or have anything just for me, its all on my own shoulders. Yes I'll have someone who helps around the house, who can clean and cook and carry on a stimulating conversation...but I will basically be on my own financially. And i can't even do that for another 4 or 5 years when I'm done with school. Thats a large pill to swallow
Its all very depressing and I can't exactly take back my mistakes now. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I've tried really hard to stay positive and try to keep the magic alive with Bryan but I just end up going in another room and crying most of the time. Last night I left to take a shower and cried the entire time I was in there. After I drop Bryan off at work I cry the entire way home.
I'm have to come to terms with what my life will be or I need to find a way out of this relationship that wont screw Bryan over completely. The last thing I want to do is hurt him because I know he's not doing any of this to hurt me. It's just who he is.
Sigh. This is all just too sad.
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