Lets start off by saying this: Yes, I am, and I think I aleays have been, a horrible person. But I can ussually find a reason as to justify my horrible-ness. So lets start with the most horrible thing I’ve ever done. Or rather, what I think it is.
When I was 16 I lied to the police. See, I told them I was lying but, in fact, that was the lie. What I really did was tell them the truth and then told them the truth was a lie. Are you still with me? Lets break it down.
When I was 16 I told the police that my father regularly and religiously molested and raped me on a weekly, if not daily, basis. I told them about how it started with him touching me and making me touch and kiss him in bad places when I was 3. I told them how by the time I was 7 I was being forced to lay down on the carpet in my room and stare at my toys while he forced me to let him preform oral in me. I told them how it progressed at 11 to forcing me to lay on my stomach while he assaulted me causing tearing in my rear and then how by the time I was 13 he was full blown raping me. I told them how he would bribe me with games and candy to keep quiet as “gifts” and if I told anyone he would hurt my mother and my brother. And I told them how beating me and my mother was how he started to get himself “riled up” before performing the atrocities. I told them everything. And they opened a case.
And then, 3 days later, my father found out and told me if I didn’t call and tell them I was lying, he would kill my mother and my brother. Mind you, he didn’t threaten to kill me, because he knew death would be a mercy in my eyes. But his threat actually scared me, so I did it. To save them, I lied to the police.
And if I hadn’t?
Well now I realize he probably wouldnt have killed them, they were much too big for him to scare now. And I probably would have turned out to be a way better and healthier person. But I lied, and I regret that. Very much. But it is what it is, and now I’m a fucking monster.
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