1. Overworked Inside in A TIRED MARRIED MAN

First off, I’m here to get this off my chest without a care in the world if anybody finds this or reads this, I just get satisfaction out of the fact that I’m typing it down and getting it out of my head, like some people do when they get a song stuck in their head and then need to listen to it, to get it flushed out. Second, I’m not some old guy, I’m in my early 30s, with more life experience (Living around the world, moving across the USA in a Uhaul 3x, owning 3 homes, Currently a foster dad of 4, Bio Father of 2, etc.. ) then most people I know. I also find talking to therapist and psychologist as pointless as they yield no actual results to any issues or mindsets that I have, nor do they seem to serve any purpose in my life besides making my significant other feel better with the illusion that we’re being “treated” simply by just speaking our minds to a stranger that doesn’t give two shits about us after we leave their paid session.

So, here we are, to the final frontier of my way of dealing with my internal stress, a blog, where perhaps nobody will read it, and yet I get the sweet victory of getting it out of my head. Lets begin.

Last night I just finished doing a walk around the town I live in with my wife, while our 2 kids, 2 foster kids and 1 adoptive kid were sleeping (yes, 5.. and that doesn’t include the other one that’s staying the night with her mom and dad till the end of the week).. We were talking about how she hates it here and doesn’t feel supported by my family, and that she just wants to move somewhere else. I end up just shutting my mouth because nothing nice can come out of the fact that I couldn’t disagree more and that just creates conflict between us every single time. I am married to a woman that is extremely intelligent but is she dumb when it comes to just accepting things for what they are and being happy with it. She is never happy with where we settle, we have lived in MD, WA (4 different cities) then back to where we are now, and mind you, this is all in like 6 years, before that I did deployments to places like Cuba for a year, then did 3 other years in Europe before moving to MD.

I say all this to say that no matter where we live, she seems to find issues with them all, she seems to feel disconnected from people, family, friends and just having purpose. I can’t fill that void, and just can’t keep up with her endless neediness, it’s insanely exhausting. I find everything in life easier when I’m not around her, even being at work is better than around her, people in my own home are better with her out of the house, she literally IS stress. I don’t know how to even come close to telling this to her, without her saying that she’s just going to kill herself or something on those lines, and then that will lead to counseling (which I don’t really want to be part of) or a hospital visit or her losing the foster care license and then she loses the one main purpose she has in life. I don’t want to be responsible for that series of events due to my mouth opening.

I don’t think I really even like her very much as a friend, she’s too needy, she’s sloppy and lazy around the house (most days) and doing typical wife things at the house (I’m not super traditional, I would stay home if I could while she worked, but she just can’t make the money I do as an IT with no degree and she has a Masters) I’m just saying that if i was home for 8-10 hours a day, stuff would be done, shopping would be done, honestly nothing major would be needed around the house for my Wife to do when she gets home for doing work all day. I am sick of coming home to needy kids, needy wife, needy house work, etc, why would anybody want to come home to work, after working all day? I’ve been doing this type of life now for almost 8 years, and I’m drained, I don’t want it anymore, I would rather live in an empty house, or with my son and raise him as a single dad with all my attention than trying to split it between 10 different things.

I’m sick of not being able to make any decisions without pissing her off, and yet she can, she’ll do whatever she wants with our money and plans and weekends. I get that we are busy people, but it would be nice to have a weekend off from everybody and everything and just get away from each other. I don’t even entertain the idea of sex with her either, I had sex 1-time last year with her and made a resolution to have it 1x/month this year (which I’ve failed this month) so she feels more loved by me, I’m trying to put an equation into this to make it work. I have a series of checklists to go through so she feels like she has a husband, but a lot of me actually doesn’t want it, I truly don’t want to please any other adults any more, I have no desire in my life to have more friends or even make new friends, I don’t even want to do any hobbies, because I don’t want to meet up with anybody or share anything with them or show anything off that I made.. I just want some peace and quiet and nobody to need anything from me for a good 5 years, unless It’s my kiddo’s, because you know… they are my kids and I’ll do anything for them (they are helpless, and they are children, so I can accept the fact that they need me and adult guidance).

If this marriage ever ends, I’m 100% done with any relationships that want more than surface layer friendships, I have been convinced that no matter who I date, hott or ugly, rich or poor, funny or serious, put together or broken… they all need you and can’t just get things done without you, they can’t take a break without thinking it’s over, they want to grow and want more and more till you are drained and just a shell of what you were when they met you, because when they met you, you had all the time you needed to be your full self, your full wittiness, your pure awesomeness… Losing that time, has caused me to lose me, and I have finally recognized the fact that every time this has happened to me.. it’s because of a relationship I started due to “missing something in my life”, the same reason I found God, but that’s a different story and all those answers just point to me having more patience and trusting in Him to help and just endlessly keep giving, which I feel is all I’m doing, I guess we can all just see how long this lasts.. It’s been years now.

Till Next Time.