First entry/explaining in Me venting

For the sake of privacy, my name will be Kad. I have two best friends we will call Lucy and Janet. Lucy is a very smart girl who is succeeding very well in school and work and I’m super proud of her. Janet is a party kind of girl, but is also an amazing actor and musician. I met them both in the 7th grade. In the 7th grade is when I started getting sick, but very slowly. It started with just the occasional pains during physical activities. Then it escalated and escalated to now, where I should be in the 10th grade but I’m in 9th. I always loved school, but it is very hard now. I have been diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and juvenile fibromyalgia. While there are other diagnoses, they aren’t relevant to what will be mainly talked about. In case you’re unaware, POTS is a problem with the autonomic system (what controls heart rate, blood pressure, etc) that means when I go from say sitting to standing up, I get very dizzy and sometimes have to sit down. Fibromyalgia is the nerves not reacting properly and misfiring. Meaning even though I look physically okay, and nothing seems wrong, I could be having shocking pains or horrible migraine. I will get pain, even when I didn’t do anything to cause it. I also have depression because of it, and a possible mood disorder. TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS At 16, having these issues, it gets hard. Normal 16 year olds are out partying and going on dates, but I’m at home all day. Because of this, especially having friends like Janet and Lucy, I get suicidal a lot. I mean, when you see every one around you succeeding, growing, blooming into these amazing young adults, and you can’t even walk without assistance, how could you not? I love them, and they have done nothing wrong at all. But some days, it’s hard. It’s hard to breathe around them. It’s hard to hear about how great they’re doing, and you’re only achievement can be waking up. It is hard to sit back, and watch your whole supposed to be best years of your life, fade. It’s hard to watch what is supposed to be the best time of your life, a time to learn about yourself, be gone. I get suicidal a lot because of this. I’m in constant pain every single day. I can’t go to an actual school because of it, and I can’t work for the same reason. I have never dated, let alone been asked out. And I feel like if I had someone to talk to in person about all this and know they still loved me, it would be easier. But sadly, that’s not the case. This has gotten very long, so I will take a break. I’ll probably update this as much as possible, but May 6th will be a definite update.