Oh boy oh boy. I have a lot to catch up on. I want to start writing again. I’ve gotten better. Writing my feelings down might have helped. Then again it might not have. I’m starting to be more productive, and then more happy with what I do an my life in general. But back to just after I stopped posting…
An arcade near where I live had a night where you got an awesome deal if you went to my school or were invited by anyone from my school. I went. Oh fuck. There was drama up the walls. Now Velvet and Coke are dating. I mean. That’s fine. I didn’t have a crush on Coke at the time. Btw, Velvet has realized that they, are actually a he. So yeah. He came out to his mom recently to. Good for him. (:
Aaaaaaaanyways. There was lots of drama and unhappy people, and me being me, I had to try to make everything better. What can I say, I’m a people pleaser! I felt pressure to do that, but I was failing, because it’s impossible for one person to fix this shit, but I didn’t feel that. I took away a shard of a soda can from Velvet, who was going to try to use it to cut. I used it instead. I felt better, I did. I decided to leave the situation for a while. I went around with Bee and her friends, and I felt better. In my mind this was from the pain grounding me.
I eventually broke down. I walked up to Velvet and Coke, and they were just like “Hi” then kinda went back to talking. I left, and they followed me for some reason. I went to a back room and hid under a table to be alone, but they found me. We talked. I felt better. But I didn’t show them the cuts.
Fast forward, its the next night. Oh, wait, I forgot. So the Sunday after I stopped posting I decided that if I ever failed so horribly I could never fix it, because I thought I could do that, that I needed to leave. I made a lists of ways to do so. I wasn’t suicidal, I didn’t want to die, it was a punishment. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents when they found it. So yeah. They saw the cuts too. They knew. I’m going to therapy, but the soonest I could get in is in May.
We had a vacation to Los Vagus, just my mom and dad and I. It was awesome! We got to climb around on Red Rock Canyon, and see a magic show and a whole bunch of other cool things! And I didn’t jump off of the cliffs! Yay!
I could go on about things that have happened between then and now, but I want to focus on the now. It’s happier.
On Saturday I was attuned to Reiki. Basically, I can now do an ancient art of energy healing. I’ll cover this more tomorrow.
On Thursday I have a concert! Idk if I told you, but I play viola. It is CLEARLY the best instrument. I’ve been practicing on a regular basis, but it’s not consistent yet. What I want is consistency. The brain does things better when they are done at the same time in the same order every day. It helps with motivation and productivity.
I’m learning Polish, so that I can start to become the ultimate Slav! For now I’m just using Duolingo, but when I can say more things I want to talk to other Polish speakers as to learn better and use what I’m learning.
I haven’t cut sense the arcade incident. I’ve only wanted to once, but I got rid of the blade, and I told myself that I did that for a reason, and a good one. I don’t like Coke any more, in case you didn’t pick up on that. I broke up with Green Day when my mind was doing toxic spirals. I’m not sure if I want to get back with them, I like them, and I’m better now, but, you know. Bee told Green Day that I asked Bee if Green Day still liked me, because I was thinking of getting back together with Green Day, so Green Day asked me about that today, I didn’t really respond. I think I know what I’m going to do tomorrow.
Also. I’m working on a book. A fiction story, fantasy, so like magic and shit. I’m thinking of a name. Right now my best option is: As the Fates Would Have it. But I’m not sure. I’ll try to keep you posted. Thanks for reading.
-Amora
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