“I don’t belong.”
This is probably the most common phrase amongst us teens. But few of us really know what it actually means.
Do I know what it actually means?
Maybe or maybe not.
After landing in Mumbai, we drove home and the next day was school. So at 1, I went to bed. My mind screamed at me to not expect anything good to happen. But damn, that sliver of hope slipped in. I can’t help it. It’s my kryptonite.
So I slept, imagining people looking at me, talking to me, laughing at my jokes.
None of it happened, obviously.
The next day was hectic. My feet hurt from going up and down the stairs all day in school.
After much consideration, discussion with friends, slammed doors in faces (yeah that happened), I put my name down for the one act play along with three other people and we started practice that day, fully aware that we would have to perform the next to next day in front of 2000 people and the scrutinizing judges. Of course, someone like me would never agree to start with preparations 2 days before, but I had to since everyone was doing something and I was the only one left.
Anyway, amongst the crowd of my school, the proper cool and hip mumbaikar high schoolers, I suddenly felt that I wasn’t happy. These people made cruel jokes about others and laughed unflinchingly. They bluntly spoke about fat guys not deserving to be in the front. Not only did they judge people, they made sure that the ones they didn’t like never got to be in the spotlight.
Maybe I am making it sound too horrible.
But when I saw all this going on, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Moreover I couldn’t believe how they got away with it.
Apparently because this kind of behaviour is accepted here. Which brings me to the whole point of this entry. If all of them are like the ones I have met so far, and if they are not being spoken against, then, no, I, certainly don’t belong here.
I am not saying I am a very good person. No one can afford to live by their righteous ideals. But atleast I try. Atleast, I never do wrong to others. I have always made sure that my actions, intentionally or unintentionally, never hurt anybody.
At this point, I feel so sad and hopeless, that I can’t bring myself to look forward to this 4 day long camp with these people.
But then again, maybe I am the one who is wrong. Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I need to harden up like them to survive and claw my way to the front. I am not sure I can do that. Maybe I won’t ever belong.
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