I suppose I am a bit lost. I've been caught in this loop for a few years. In 1999 I was in the midst of a divorce, but I knew who I was and what I wanted to be.
I had a trajectory. I didn't know if I could become an Air Wing Commander. But it wasn't unfathomable. I was still pack-plus-plus. Meaning one of those guys who would go somewhere.
Somewhere in the end of that last shipboard (but not last by far) deployment I lost myself.
Another marriage. Another divorce. Chaos brought on by the world not adhering to the way I thought things would be.
It does no good to go through your decisions and wish you had done something differently.
If you had never answered the phone in 1984. If you had never handed your brick-sized cell phone to the attractive brunette in a bar in San Diego.
If you...
It doesn't matter. Because you did.
In this life the clock only runs one way. That's why they call it clockwise.
If you hadn't reacted to the cute twentysomething at work who hung on your every word and pressed her breasts against your back while you worked together on a complicated database problem...
If you had never answered the out of the air email from your daycare provider and fell in love for the last time. Or the forever time.
Like I said. I doesn't matter. You did.
My son is living his own life. My daughter is safe with an organization I trust. If and when I kick there is a half million dollars going into a trust for both of them. My worries are gone.
I've already done the hardest things I will ever do.
The question remains: What do I do with the rest of my life?
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