Anxiety and I in Starting Over 2019

When you have anxiety, being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t can be tricky.

My husband is probably the least anxious person I know. He jokes that I worry enough for the both of us and then some. The world could be crumbling down around him and he keeps a hopeful and positive attitude. This both irritates and impresses me at the same time. I wish I could be like him. For him, every day is a new beginning.

Today has been one of those days. Once I dropped the two older kids off at school and got home with my youngest, it hit me out of nowhere. It was unprompted. There I was, enjoying a cup of coffee while my son played on the floor at my feet, and all of those feelings just hit me like a ton of bricks. The sadness, panic, anger, etc. I just sat in silence staring at the wall trying to figure out where it even came from. The morning had been good, damn it. Everything was good.

I spent most of the afternoon pretending to be okay for my son. If you struggle with it, you know the drill. Smile through it, act normal. I’ve had to do this on so many occasions that I’m a pro. It’s almost funny how you can literally be falling apart on the inside and no one can even see it. I felt like crying, but I couldn’t make the tears come out. Why am I like this?

One thing that I can’t really hide is my need to just be quiet. It’s easy to do with the kids. They’re typically occupied. My husband, however, is a different story. I can fake a smile, I can hold back tears, but I can’t make myself have “normal” conversations. I just get quiet. For him that obviously means something wrong. “Did something happen…are you sick…kids being bad?’ he asks. It’s none of those things, though. I don’t even have an explanation or the words for why this just happens and I most certainly can’t expect him to fully understand it when he’s never lived in that world before.

If a “normal” person is a bad day they typically talk about it, want hugs and reassurance. So that’s what he does. I don’t want to talk and I most certainly don’t want hugs. I just want to be left alone, but I can’t fault him for doing what “normal” people do. Can I? And if I tell him I’m just having ‘one of those’ days he will try to understand it, what triggered it, what do I need? That means more questions and talking. Like I said, it’s tricky.

I adore that man. He’s a saint to put up with my weird things. I finally ended up just telling him that I needed some quiet time and came into the bedroom to write. He knows I need my quiet time, so he is always understanding and accommodating of that without question.

I can only hope that whatever it is, it leaves as quickly as it came and tomorrow will be better.