Hi guys I'm drunk again!
I know some/most of you like/love my drunk entries. And I haven't even written a normal one in a while, so I need to write anyway. So.
I just got back from the bar with my three closest friends, who all happen to be guys, and who all happen to be from California. Weird? meh. They're wonderful. I've made out with two of them, and haven't made out with the third who is the only one I've had a crush on. Good job me. One is engaged lolz.
Lately I've only been studying for exams, which are in April. This is the first time in my life that I've had absolutely zero desire to date, hook up with, get involved with, etc. any boys whatsoever - I find it strange that all I want to do most of the time is just pigeon-hole myself away in my secret library office and just work on my exam prep. I have 6 other huge tasks to work on as well, and the stress is just not contributing to any functional love life. The last two guys I hung out with actually physically repulsed me, and it shook me so badly that I questioned my whole sexuality for a while. (Not the possibility of being lesbian - I have no desire for women either; but the fear of actually being asexual, which is strange - I'm still horny...I think it's just momentary really.)
Existential things.
I look at myself in the mirror a lot. Not admiringly, but introspectively, with makeup, without makeup, all of my freckles, the Ursa Major beauty mark constellation that appears if I tilt my head up slightly, how I used to be so self-conscious about it, my smells, my softness, my hardness, my dryness, my oilyness, my overall shame and pride, and my HAIR - fucking god, it just won't behave and I just want to put it into a mohawk if only my mother wouldn't kill me, why do I still listen to her, she told me my facebook profile picture was terrible when 75 people liked it, I don't know.
I'm still drunk.
(Good spelling for a drunk though, right?)
I'm in the middle of Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn and fucking what.the.fuck.
I love it.
Ok I will check back tomorrow.
Just know that I'm yearning to write, here, all day every day, even though I hate this site compared to OD. It's too open, aesthetically. I miss the closed quiet spaces and the basic-ness of it all, and of course the familiarity but what can you do.
I love you guys.
Good night!
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