Imperfect in 2019

Oh my sweet gorgeous boy. I’m sorry that I’m grumpy and tired and impatient. I love you so much and I feel terrified that I won’t be good enough for you, that everything I do is somehow making you broken for the future. I wish I could be in the moment more and stress less but I’m just not good at that. I am trying. Im trying not to let bumps in the road spoil a day, and worry that when one thing goes wrong that everything is automatically ruined. But that’s the way my brain works and it’s hard for me to change that now. But I am trying.

Sometimes the days are hard and I can not wait for your Dad to come home so I can do something indulgent like go to the supermarket on my own for 10 minutes peace. Oh what joy. But then you’re asleep and quiet and you look so peaceful and I wish I could just curl up with you and stroke your little blonde head and hold your tiny curled up little hands. I miss you, and you’re just in the next room.

I am sorry that you are bearing the brunt of all the errors made with me, that make me so jittery and difficult to please and so unkind to myself. I am doing my best to not let it impact on you but I know that one way or another it will. I just hope you will be ok, and know that to me you are perfect.