03/22/2019 in My Never-Ending Thoughts

I hate feeling alone. I hate being alone. Whenever I’m by myself I think and then I become overwhelmed by the dozens of scenarios I play in my head. I play through old conversations, I play through made up conversations. Every scenario isn’t bad, sometimes I imagine a boy I have a crush on, sometimes a celebrity even, and I having a “meet-cute” moment like I’m living in a rom-com or something. But a lot of times I think about how something like that will never happen to me. I think about every flaw I have, from the superficial beauty flaws to the flaws in my personality. I don’t see any redeeming qualities because everything is masked by the terrible problem that is me. I use these flaws to build a case against why I cannot be loved, as though my self worth is on trial inside my head. And every time I think about it, the verdict is the same. Feeling a connection with another human being is not and will never be on the table for me. I think about how much of a burden I am on everyone in my life. I complain all the time, I obsess over odd things, I am loud and obnoxious. Overall, I am incredibly too much. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I constantly wonder if the people who are in my life would be better off if I wasn’t here annoying them and getting in the way. If I disappeared, would I be doing everyone a favor? I think about how I will never have a significant other, or a true tight-knit friend group that I so crave. I am going to be alone forever because no one could possibly tolerate me long enough to grow fond of me. I see people my age out and I envy them. Whether they are with a boyfriend/girlfriend, or just with their friends, I envy them. I want to be them. I want to have a boyfriend, I want to have someone to share my most personal thoughts with, I want to be intimate. I want to be carefree enough to go out with my friends and not worry about everything else going on. I want to act my age before I can’t do it anymore. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am turning nineteen. I realize that is still incredibly young but I just feel as though my life is slipping through my fingers like sand and I’m not doing anything to enjoy it while I can. I need to stop worrying about the sand I’m losing and start having fun with what I have. I just don’t know if I can or how I would do that.