undead in it's complicated

My time seems to be running out. Every day seems unbearable and nearly impossible to finish. There are only two possible scenarios right now and one of them is more devastating than I am prepared for. If I am forced to take that road, where I give up this path that I have been on for complete financial security, then I will need to start from complete rock bottom.
This route would require me to somehow figure out how to come up with thousands upon thousands of dollars all on my own with very little options. I’m not even entirely sure what I would do. How I would accomplish that.
The other option is that everything will actually be okay. But I’m just not sure. There are so many days where I am so positive that is what is going to happen but right now everything seems impossible. Truly, truly impossible.
There are days where I feel dead inside. Today is one of those days. I have screamed and been far angrier and more mean than I wanted to be towards my husband. I do not want to be this person that I am but how can I not be? I am in this person because of the demons that I face on a daily basis. I will never not be this person. My husband constantly wants me to change and be different or somehow accept all of my demons but he doesn’t understand all that I have been through. He can never possibly understand the pain and betrayal that I have felt. How does he get to determine that I should just be okay with something when I am not at all.

but honestly the only thing I am actually motivated to find money for is something i shouldn’t be making a priority in my life at all but i cannot help it. my husband thinks I’m an addict. i guess he’s probably right.