I have heard and read this line in many places, “You can’t make everyone happy.” This line is true. But the worst part is my stupid brain doesn’t want to understand it. My right ear picks it while I repeat it like an affirmation, and my left ear instantly throws it all away.
So I just continue trying to please everyone. Everyone, but myself. I buy my mother and sister their favorite snack every day. I walk on my way to work and back home if I don’t get a bus; too anxious to get a rickshaw because it will cost more. And if I walk I can save that money and buy them their favorite snack. When I come back home from work, my sister opens the door and I see her eyes shining and smiling face as I bring out the packet of crisps from my bag. She loves it. Mom loves it. And I just love to see them enjoy their favorite food together.
Though I don’t remember the last time I sat down somewhere quiet and enjoyed a meal that I’ve been wanting to eat.
The proud feeling doesn’t last long. When they yell at me for something I haven’t done and indicates that my love for them is a show-off and somehow I’m doing it for my own purpose, my heart breaks. I genuinely love my family even though they are in no way perfect or even good. But they misinterpret my gestures. I’m only trying to love you mother. I’m only trying to be there for you, sister. I’m trying to have a good relationship with you, father. Please accept me. Please do.
They never do. I know they never will but I have never stopped trying. So when there is no one beside me at worst nights of my life, I turn to my boyfriend. He is an amazing human being. But my desire for a perfect family has turned me into a bitch. I subconsciously want my boyfriend to be my mother, father, a friend and a boyfriend. I put all these onto the shoulder of one human being, and that is how I am on the verge of ruining one good thing in my life. Luckily enough, my angel hasn’t given up on me yet.
The idea of putting myself first is so foreign to me. I don’t remember almost anything from my childhood. But as far as I remember, since I’ve learned to take responsibilities I have always put other people first. I cared about their mood, their health, their wishes and happiness. It could be my family, could be a relative, a celebrity or even a stranger. When I was humiliated by my best-friend’s boyfriend and she did nothing about it because her relationship might have been at stake, I tried to calm down for her. When a close friend of mine revealed that she is in a relationship with the guy I like, which she knew about, I just smiled and wished her good luck though it broke my heart like nothing ever did. I spent hours after hours on local buses, sweating, feeling nauseous, skipping work or school, just to see a loved one for half an hour. I bought people stuff with my hard earned money only to see it be ignored. I have given people places at my heart just to secure a position at a place called “Not in our fucking lives.”
These aren’t sad rants. These are priceless lessons and I’m glad I’ve learned them by myself. If I live long, maybe I’ll learn more. But how long will it take for me to learn how to love myself, how to put myself first, how to take care of my own body and soul? I don’t know how to keep me safe, to take care of my health, to say no, to cut off toxic people. I don’t remember using a sharp edge to cut a slice of my favorite fruit but I do remember slitting my wrists, one cut over another. When will it stop? People say, “No one will love you unless you love yourself first.” I never believed it and I never will. I grew up believing I am not worthy of love, and loving yourself is not something you learn overnight. Even if it’s true I don’t think it applies to people like us. For us, it must be reversed. Love me first. Show me I deserve love. Show me I’m worthy of it all. Please prove that I matter and I’m not a literal human garbage. Maybe then, one day, I will finally wake up in the morning singing. Not murmuring, “Why again?” Because I’ll love my life. Because I’ll believe that I matter. I am important. I am enough.
Loading comments...