Day 2-4 in 40 Day of Lent

Wow, what a few couple of days its been. Its been a struggle tbh my goal to succeed and overcome my obstacle has really been a challenge. I Failed the Third day or so, the Second Day was really good. I Woke up and prayed to God for allowing me to see another day which I haven’t done in In so long, it felt really good to leave everything behind. However after I read the bible and such the rest of the day I didnt know what to do. Im sitting here listening to Tamela Mann, with tears in my eyes. GOD I want to change, I dont want to be this person that ive though I was. Im afraid im going to do something that will have a lasting effect on not just me, but my Beautiful Mother and father. I think about dying everyday, im just so depressed idk why, I sit and cry everyday all day. Its not healthy, I have this obsession with just dying, its only day 4 of this fast and I dont think ima last the whole 40 days. Its either going to be me dead over a sucide attempt or failed attempt. Cant even believe im typing that, but after hours of looking at ways to die, its very possible it can be done. The only thing thats stopping me is I dont want to feel any pain when I die just a quick sudden death and the only way to accomplish that is to poison myself with some anti freeze which can stop my heart in 15 mins tops unless i call 911. On top of dying I have a lot on my plate, I feel like no one understands me, I haven’t talked to my parents in almost 2 months, and I feel like I let them down. On top of everything thats going on, my job isn’t giving me enough hours to pay my rent so now im behind 2 months totaling more then $1200, like its no way I can pay that. And my apartment gave me a notice to pay or evict, idk where im going to go. Where im going to live, its a lot. I will literally kill myself before I be homeless again.