Hi, welcome to my first entry. I actually wrote it yesterday in a google doc, thinking no-one would ever see it. Well scratch that cause here we are!
Sunday 2-24-19
HAHAHAHA!!! What am I doing? A dairy? But digital? That I am posting to a website under the name Amora? Yes, I am officially insane. And that is exactly what I’m here to talk about. P.S.
So I think it was Wednesday. When things really went downhill. There was a snow day, and having no social interaction makes my depression worse. Actually, scratch that, I don’t know if I have depression. I’ve never got it diagnosed, nor have I gone to any sort of mental help place. But I should. More on that later. Anyways I was feeling horrible… and I have this nail in a drawer, but now it wasn’t in the drawer. It was in my arm. Fun. 3 scratches. Two of them looked like white lines, but for some reason formed a scab. If I knew that would happen I wouldn’t have made them all over the place, now they look weird. The last one was very deliberate and very deeper, but it actually doesn’t look that much worse, actually better because it is shorter.
Then there is today. I think what I’m going to do with this, is every day add some back-story, as well as what happened that day. But this diary is only for mental illness related things. YAY!!! AAAnnnyways… Today. I had a sleepover with Velvet last night. They are my best friend. I will be using they pronouns because they are neither boy nor girl. But they look like a girl and are forced to use the girl’s locker room. Jesus christ, side track this and side track that!!! I can’t get anything done! Whatever. I have all day. This is my distraction to keep me away from that nail I mentioned. So aaaaannyways… it is super snowy outside. My dad was coming to pick me up at 10:00. Already decided. No questions. ON MY END. Apparently mom wanted to make sure the plan was still on and she was texting me like crazy.
I got home. She was in the bathroom. SHe came out. I had no idea what I did wrong but I could tell she was mad as fuck at me. I was hunting around in the fridge, because I didn’t eat before coming home, and she came up behind the counter.
“Whats up with you not responding to my texts?”
“What?”
“You didn’t answer my texts.”
“I wasn’t on my kindle.”
“It makes a sound doesn’t it?” I started to feel TERRIBLE but defended myself anyways.
“I usually get a bunch of dumb emails, and I figured that’s what it was.”
“I sent you 11 texts,” this whole time she never raised her voice. I wished she would. She went on, basically guilting me. If you don’t know that is a HORRIBLE thing to do to a mentally unstable person. But she didn’t know. I eventually went into my room. Shut my door. I caused her so much concern, so much stress, and I know how bad stress can feel, and she obviously hated me for it. I stood. I made a huge mistake. Sorry is not enough. I took out the nail and I made a deliberate line a centimeter to the left of the one before. I dug it as deep as I could. Thing is, this nail is REALLY dull. It still hurt a lot though. Maybe more than a sharp one. I told myself the pain grounded me and went back out, and explained myself, and fixed the problem. This clearly shows good things come from self pain.
Then I did something weird. I have two Google accounts. One that is mine, and one I used to prank my friends once. I made a chat between the two accounts and started talking to myself. How I felt. My other self tried to comfort me, but the original one undermined a lot of the arguments. I was thinking of sending it to Velvet. So they could read my conversation with myself. I didn’t though. I didn’t feel better. I don’t think I was aiming to. Here comes the nail. Now I just made the cut from earlier deeper. It never even bled, just made a painful red dent with a welt as I tried to drive an extremely dull nail into my arm. I felt the need to tell someone. Which is why I made the chat with myself. But that wasn’t enough. So I did something selfish. I messaged Velvet, and this is what was said: (I had screenshots, but they didn’t show up, so I had to type everything up):
Me: Do you consider people horrible and self absorbed when they tell you their problems?
Velvet: noo…?
Me: Oh
Me: Well in that case…
Me: This nail is really dull
Velvet: EM PUT THE NAIL DOWN
Velvet: PLEASE
Velvet: OH MY GOD IM GONNA CRY PLEASE NO
Velvet: AMORA
Horribly selfish. At least I apologized.
Me: I’m sorry
Me: I shouldn’t have said anything
Me: That was selfish of me
Velvet: NO AMORA
Velvet: no
Velvet: no it wasn’t
Velvet: stop it
Velvet: Just put the nail down
Velvet: ok?
I had to do what they told me. Besides, for some selfish horrible reason their reaction of concern made me feel better.
Me: Ok
Me: I hid it
Velvet: don’t hurt yourself please
Me: But like
Me: I know where it is
Me: soooo
Me: I won’t
Me: I’m sorry
Me: Bye
They actually didn’t say anything after that. Now I’m concerned… I might be back later today. Or tomorrow. Idk.
-Amora
P.S. Don’t worry, Velvet is fine, they just weren’t replying
P.P.S. Thank you for reading this whole thing. Wow.
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