I’ve been feeling so unlike myself for the past year of my life. So just a few moments ago the idea about writing an online journal came to my mind, then I googled and found Prosebox. I’m hoping this will help my lacking ability to open up to people.
And why haven’t I felt like me in a while? Here’s the short version:
Over two years ago I graduated from high school. I then worked in a gas station/fast food restaurant near home, so I lived that year with my family. I did apply to colleges, but didn’t get in and that actually really didn’t bother me since I needed to save money. Living with my family was hell and I couldn’t wait to getting my own peace in my own apartment but boy oh boy did I save money that year… However the next year I applied to different colleges again but that time I got lucky. I was accepted to a college...... on the other end of the country far far away from my friends and family.
I was so excited about the moving and new scenery and most of all: new people! In the beginning of school I was so social which was a huge surprise to me even to begin with. I got new friends in the first couple of weeks and had fun in different school events. I had the peace and space of my own apartment. Life was smiling.
Things happened home and even tho I was free from a lot of responsibilities, I felt like I had too much peace and space. I felt guilty. School work piled upon piling up and my social life started to shrivel. I had a lot of “greet when seeing”-friends (sorry for the odd phrase but by that I mean friends that you probably say hello to when you see them in the hallways or the streets but can’t really hang out with), but not many best friends I could’ve really talk to as myself or hang out any time, any where. My bestest friends lived a long way from where i did (still do) so not much hanging then.
Suddenly, about a year ago I started getting these symptoms that made me really worried about my health, especially when I had always had a nice basic health. I was so scared and told about it only to my sister and friend until the day I had a breakdown at school. My new classmates that did not really know me saw me weeping, crying scared, panicking, something I had never done. In addition to being scared like a little rodent facing a predator I was also so ashamed of the sensitive side that had risen upon everything that makes me me.
I went to a doctor a few times. Then decided to work for the summer (which by the why was the most stupidest summer on my part). For seven months had I been unable to ease my mind from thinking about whether I was going to die or get diagnosed with a serious illness, but then I got closure and turned out I wasn’t going to die… of any serious illnesses anyway for now. I had been so sure that it was serious that I didn’t know how to cope. The symptoms did however match the symptoms of stress and other mental dispositions.
It was time for me to see a psychologist. A short sitting with a professional sounded pointless but I think we covered a lot of things in such short time and there’s yet to be more of those. However I was so moody a week after that. I kept thinking how stupid I was and how unfair people around me were. I felt less.... less pretty, less smart, less good, less than other people. Yesterday and today I have felt more confident, smarter, more able to do things than I have in a long long time.
All in all I’ve thought about the fact that is this normal for all adult human beings? That emotions can vary so much from best to worst and sometimes we’re not able to stabilize our emotions to the sweet minimum of their existence. Yes, I know that the goal in life is not emotionless but there wouldn’t be an overload on the emotions of the extreme spectrum if it was that manageable.
I don’t know if I made any sense, but what I do know is that I’ve been writing this text for over an hour now and I already feel a teenzy tiny bit lighter!
Love to all ‘till next time1
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