empty. in disappointment.

I’ve been feeling so hollow lately. I feel like I’m just trying desperately to make others happy and I haven’t been treating myself well. It’s starting to get harder to wake up in the mornings, to push myself out of bed to start the day. Even getting up to use the restroom is a drag. I hate feeling this way but I hate talking about my feelings to other people, I don’t like pity. You are probably thinking “oh? then why are you posting it here?” well some people say if you can’t talk about these things in person, express it through writing.
I feel like everybody around me is living life to the fullest, where I am far behind and no matter how hard I try to catch up they are always like 50 steps ahead of me. The people around me always know what they are going to do next with their lives, or they have everything planned out. I don’t even know what I want to do tomorrow. I have never been so confused. I just feel so pathetic, I know it’s time to finally grow up and be an “adult” but of course their isn’t a book for dummies how to be a good one. I still feel like a kid when they would ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. That’s the thing, I have no idea what I want to be. I’m not good at anything just a complete awkward kid. Every time I decide on something that I want to be it’s always either not good enough, or you won’t get a job with that crap.
When you are a kid you are expecting adult life to be something awesome like in the movies or TV shows, where you can do anything you want. Now I wish I can go back… I miss being that lively kid I used to be. I loved being around people, making new friends, going out having fun. Now a days all I want to do is sit in my room watching anime all day. I can even go weeks without getting out of the house… I turned into a hermit crab. Every now and then I’ll go out with some friends but that is pretty rarely. I feel like the one’s I talk to the most are my dogs, they see me at my highest and lowest. People that I loved dearly gave up on me because I always end up pushing everyone I love away. I got to the point where I’m used to being alone, not talking to anyone, not having that human interaction. And if I happen to be in a situation where I have to deal with people I have to put the fakest smile on my face, forcing myself to be happy.
It gets difficult…

Last updated February 19, 2019