I feel like I'm trying to feel something and nothing at the same time. I've been emotional this week. I think because I fucked up my birth control and had to stay off for a month.. I started back on Wed and have been fucked ever since. physically sick that night, head aches, emotions...grr. I really hate being a girl sometimes. Most of the time actually, if we're being honest.
I've been alone most of the day, most of the weekend actually, save Friday night I babysat 4 kids and than got drunk with my cousin afterwards lol Not wasted drunk, just buzzed drunk. we talked & played darts. it was nice.
I had a good talk today with LB, I can't begin to explain our relationship to you. It was fucked right from the start. We are kind of like friends with benefits.. I guess. He's actually been better at the friend part than the former FWB friends with benfeits, Simon was. I've only known him since Sept. I've known Simon for 3 years. I like that about him. He definitely brings out the sexual side of me, I've been somewhat avoiding him lately I guess. I just don't know what to say. I want more, and I know I can't get it from him.. that's not the problem. I don't really want more from him, it's just complicated. I'm complicated. Talking to him did make me feel better though.
Today I was kind of in a blah mood.. maybe because I drank alone last night, I'm usually kind of emotional the next day. I wanted to go out last night..do something.. I could have made an effort..but I chose to stay home alone. again.
My best guy friend just called me and he wants to come visit.. and I'm happy. I miss him. Since his new relationship has progressed along & I've been going through everything, we haven't seen much of each other lately. they're moving in together. I'm so happy for him. So sad for myself.
I feel like I've pushed everyone else away..and I know all I have to do is call them..but I don't.
i've been smoking ciggarettes :/ so gross. disappointed in myself. I know It'll get better, tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully I will be out of this stupid cycle, or whatever this is.
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