odd one out. in disappointment.

I had best friends that I loved so dearly, would literally be there for them no matter what. I had friends that were cool and awesome to hang out with. But the older you get the more they leave and when I sit back and think about it; it’s pretty sad. I had a best friend once we were friends since 7th grade in middle school and we remained that way even after we both graduated high school together we were still best friends after that. She was awesome, we were both weird together, we understood each other, we comforted one another, we both went through pain. It always felt like we were going to go through it all together since being friends for so long.
I didn’t have that many friends (even to this day that friend list keeps getting smaller and smaller) but I felt like the ones I did have were simply the best because we all complimented one another. I was usually the loud weird one, one of them was quiet and shy, another one was awkward but fun, another one was mysterious yet sweet, the last one was caring and bright (yeah, they might all just sound like a complete mess but to me they were the best). But then I started to notice something as the years went on with my friends. I always had this feeling in the pit of my stomach but I never really talked about it to the others. I noticed that I was always the one who had to initiate conversations or when to hang out or not. Like non of them couldn’t decide for themselves what to do. Because usually when it comes down to me and someone wants to hang out, I like to plan things in advance like I want to know where we are going, who is driving or are we meeting there, and what day (I just like to be prepared, you know?) and I was getting pretty annoyed of it. And I was also noticing that when we talked they weren’t fun anymore. Because when we would text each other we could text each other for hours or even days just talking about random shit and we would never get bored of each other. But now the messages are short, they are boring, or they just stop replying all together.
Time passed… I still tried desperately to keep our friendships alive but even when we all hung out it was like we didn’t have anything in common… we couldn’t even keep a conversation without it dying off quick. It took me a while to finally understand that the group of friends I had and thought who were always going to be there for me no matter what, really wasn’t there for me anymore. And I’ll be honest, it kind of hurt. Because I would see on their Instagram’s or Snapchats that they were all together but one person, me. I used to get super jealous and pissed off whenever I would see them. I would even cry about it because I felt like I was alone, I didn’t have anyone to run too for comfort, for someone just to be there with me while I felt this way. I remember just laying in bed all day feeling hopeless, just wishing my bed would swallow me up and I’ll just disappear.
It did break my heart because I would always put their needs before mine, I always wanted to see them happy even if it meant I had to be hurting. I was there for them when they needed the comfort, the support, the advice. If they wanted or needed something I would provide it for them. I always went the extra mile… but of course I can’t say that I was perfect no body is. It just sucked because apparently I wasn’t a good friend, and to be honest that shit fucked me up. I feel it made me more cold hearted towards others. I usually put my walls high up when I meet new people, some would even call me an asshole when they first meet me because I don’t want other people to see through my barrier. I got used to being a loner with no friends. That one person who would go to work and come straight home and just hang out with my dogs no one else. It felt like I didn’t need anyone and seeing them all together hanging out like good friends it didn’t bother me anymore. I just stopped caring, but after a while it did get to me.
But in the end I made some friends we may not be on best friends level but that’s fine with me. I’m slowly opening up to them about my life and they have accepted me flaws and all. They are pretty cool, and I’m glad they can understand my dark humor. But I’ll be grateful to my old friends the memories that we had together will not go to waste. Who knows maybe even one day our paths will cross again but the way I feel now is; as long as they are all happy with or without me is all I care about. I do not have any ill feelings towards them nothing but good vibes, wishing them nothing but the best. And if they all hate my guts that’s fine as well.
Whatever makes them happy.