Okay, so here it goes. My first entry.
So, I thought I should introduce myself. As you may know, I am in my twenties, I am Irish, a girl and studying teaching. For the purpose of protecting my dignity, that is all I am willing to reveal.
So, to start this off I should say that I have had a good upbringing. I have an amazing family, live in the country and have great friends. Should have given me an advantage right?
Instead of giving a complete overview of my entire life, I will mention things when relevant or when I need a rant.
My problem today is that everyone seems to have their lives together, apart from me. I mean, I am doing well academically, but I do not feel happy. I have amazing friends, but I do not feel happy. My family are the best, but still do not feel happy.
I feel like a puppet on a string, that can not control the things that happen around her. It is like no matter how hard I try, something just knocks me back.
I mean, sure, things could be worse. But it is so hard to voice how I feel, everyone around me believes that I am happy, that I am content with my life. But I want something more, I want to be happy, I want to challenge myself, to take risks, to be more outspoken, to be noticed.
I am not saying I am miserable, but I am only content. Reading this back it seems pretty stupid, but I can not remember the last time I have felt complete joy. The last time I had a good laugh. The last time I felt so nervous that I had butterflies. The last time I took a risk. The last time I had fun.
It all seems to be in the past. I know this is partially my fault. I overthink and over analyse EVERYTHING… I can’t help it. I am not the most confident person in the room even when I am the only one there. But I try. I try to push myself to do things, I push myself to go out, to socialise, to speak out in class, to stand up for myself. But it has never gotten easier, I have never felt truly confident in myself.
I know that this is an area nearly everyone has struggled with, I understand that with age we develop wisdom and self-love. But I am seeming to worsen, to become more reserved with new people rather than more out going. I mean, I was never the ‘quietest’ girl in school, I mean, I was well liked, a huge group of friends and spoke to everyone. However school ends, I have went from being the smartest in my class to average in lecturers. It is a lot to take in, to adjust to the change of being challenged more, to become responsible for your own learning and to delve into the university culture. But it has been three years, I just thought that it would be easier than this. Do not get my wrong, I LOVE university, my course, my new friends and my new ‘life’. It is just that it has not made me grow into a better or more confident person. In fact, it has made me second guess myself a little more, analyse my decisions, thoughts and actions more, which means that everything is a little over rehearsed, over thought and underwhelming.
Sounds silly, I mean I do feel like I ‘belong’ where I am at this time (cliche, I know) but it has not gave me the joy or thrill I had hope it would.
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