Bit of an oxy-moron, right? Who wouldn’t want supportive friends? The problem comes when you know they will be, or at least try to be. Any random stings of depression or dips into suicidal thoughts sends me spiralling towards them at first, but I always stop short of saying anything these days. Why?
Because I know everything they’re going to say to me. I know every different combination of words and sentiments and emojis they will send to try to convince me to see the day through to the end. I can think and consider and figure out the reaction of each one; the overly concerned, the sympathizer, the suddenly affectionate, the inexperienced, the panicked, the calm… I can figure out what each one of them will do or say. And it makes everything they do or say feel hollow; a pre-programmed response to the proper stimuli, an autonomous, insincere reaction that they do because they believe it is the proper thing to do.
In my heart, I know these gestures aren’t as empty as they feel to me, that they are truly reaching out with every inch of who they are to find some part of me that wants to hold on, to see this through. But it makes it difficult to seek a genuine connection with someone when you know everything they’re going to do or say to try to forge that connection; it makes it feel insincere, forced, and detached. Add in the constant mental barrage of my own mind that everybody I reach out to secretly hates me and would very much like me to leave them be, and the problem is compounded; their reactions feel empty and I can briefly convince myself that they ARE empty.
I am, of course, thankful to have friends that at the very least pretend to love and support me, but I cannot shake the feeling that it feels like an empty game world sometimes. Like everybody is a specifically organized group of 1s and 0s that has predestined responses to anything I could say, making it all feel meaningless and hollow, like I’m railing against a game designer with a cruel penchant for torment.
Part of my desire to kill myself is rooted in wanting to see the end credits; to see what it was all worth, if anything. My personal atheist-leaning beliefs aside, I cannot help but wonder at the possible afters, be they an end screen and a quick recap of my playthroughs events, some kind of New Game+ with cheat codes and save states, or a postgame with endless progression and possibility.
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