I dream of letting go in College Life & Current experiences

I’ve been driving myself crazy with how much control I have over my life. I organize my files by class and name. My shoes are assorted by height and wear. I eat the same foods week after week. I calculate the way I walk and eat in public. I hate having an odd amount of objects around me and I have to do things at a time ending in 0. Jeez, I’m so controlling.
But I have a secret that not many people know about me.
Although I look boringly plain and pure, I am anything but.
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I love losing control behind closed doors. I like giving the reins to someone else and letting them tell me what to do. I dream of having my senses taken away and not knowing what will happen next.
This is TMI, but I dream of being blindfolded. It sounds so exciting to lose sight of where my partner is and whether or not he is looking at me. I’m always so self-conscious when I can see him staring at me. I feel vulnerable and unprepared.
People always tell me that I need to lose control. So why is this one of the only ways I can do it? Why do I feel so ashamed of what I enjoy?
It started with daring games like strip teases after losing a bet or texting inappropriate things in public. It just feels so relieving to know that I have no control over what will be said or done (unless I’m uncomfortable).
The funny thing is, I am afraid of men. I even hold some kind of caution and barrier around my male friends and family members. But not him. He makes me feel protected and safe, but he puts me in my place and lets me know that I can’t always be the boss. I have usually gotten what I wanted growing up. I get what I want when I am with him too, but I have to work for it.
I feel free and light and invincible. It’s so addicting. It has been three years since we’ve been together and the high feeling never goes away.
I always complain about being plain and riskless, but this is relationship is truly the one thing I can say I took the leap for.</nsfw>