Family Schmamily in The Life Of A Lovely Lacy 2014

Lately i have had such a hard time dealing with my mother, or as i like to call her, TS. We have always had a very rocky relationship, and instead of seeing it for what it is and accepting it, i keep trying and thinking it will get better, or maybe this time she really has changed. Unfortunately thats not the case. She will NEVER change. She just is who she is, why cant i get that? Its so disappointing. i SOOOO badly want a good realtionship with her. I want her to be there for me and help me and show me some sort of love. She has always been so caught up with the men in her life that she has completely blocked out the fact that she has children. When she was with my stepdad she was AWFUL. Literally awful. Think of the Cinderella story. That was literally my sister and i. They were horrible to us. My older sister and my mom had this weird creepy fucking sister wives type relationship growing up. They are still sort of close, my sister yearns for her like i do, and she hates her like i do, but she accepts it and seriously NEEDS her approval and to be in her life still. Me on the other hand, ive always been like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE A MOM! Fuck your piece of shit child predator husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She always promised once she left him it would all be better and she would be a good mom to us. Well 5 years ago they got a divorce...not because she realized she deserved better. not because of her kids. FOR ANOTHER MAN! of course. She got caught cheating with this low life piece of shit. My stepdad and her got a divorce, thank God. We all thought it was going to be better and we were SO excited. Immediately, george moves in with my mom because of course he has no money and no where to go, my mom is a gold mine for him. Her and my stepfather were pretty well off. So now we have george, cool...things will be better. Well it turns out george is a loser, alcoholic, pill popping reject. He just mooches off of my mom, threatens to leave her all the time and shes such a idiot and so terrified of being alone and actually facing her life that she does anything and everything to keep him. it is absolutely disgusting. Makes me sick. how could she? oh i know, its because she is just a shitty fucking person. It wasnt all my stepdad like she made us believe our whole lives. it was her too! she is just a piece of crap just like robert. So now my mom is a binge drinking alcoholic with george. great. she refuses to help us out if we need it. half the time she wont even respond to my texts or calls. i only hear from her when she is hammered drunk or needs something. she has put me through so much, its always just one disappointment after another. she cant even apologize for the shit that she has put us through. we were in and out of foster homes and childrens homes. daily beatings and put downs. i mean really beating us. bad. we got taken away i dont know how many times. telling us constantly that she didnt love us and wished she never had us. i love her because she is my mother, but thats about it. i really need to try VERY hard to keep my wall up and keep that distance. i dont want to have a falling out, been there done that. not worth it. but i need that distance. im tired of hurting. i just want to be okay sooo bad. i want the hurt and sadness to go away. being in contact with my family again is SO hard. but being excommunicated for that year was the worst year of my life. i was SO sad and miserable. i was so alone. literally alone. no calls on christmas or my birthday or easter. my sister had her first baby and everyone kept it a secret from me for two days. i wasnt there for anything, it was absolutely heart breaking. i want to be there for my niece, she is so adorable. but i definitely need to work on keep that wall and that distance or im just going to get sucked into their crazy dramatic bullshit world and im just going to get hurt. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. life.