Problem 1: Out of sight, out of mind in 99 Problems

I have multiple problems with who I am as a person. The first of many I can think of is my inability to finish what I start if I’m not good at it. For example, I skipped an important final after hours of research and organizing because a voice in my head repeatedly told me that the professor will surely laugh and fail me anyways. I used to play cello and I loved how my worries would disappear when I practiced. But, as soon as I stepped on stage and stared into the small crowd of family members and judges, I knew it would be the last time I played because I wasn’t good enough.

Photography. Drawing. Poetry. Book writing. Games. Advanced classes. Singing. Traveling. Networking organizations. Updating my social media. Exercising. Anything that involves competition. These are a few of the things I’ve given up on improving.

The thought of someone laughing at my inexperience me stops from doing the simplest tasks. Sometimes I won’t even leave my dorm because I’m scared someone will find something about me that disappoints them. Overall, I guess I believe that it’s better to avoid humiliation and hide away than to make a fool of myself and disappoint everyone. Even as I’m writing this I think of how I could have wasted the reader’s time with my “young people problems”.

But if you were to see me on the street, you wouldn’t know about the anxiety and conflicting thoughts buzzing around in my head. I’d just look like a plain-looking girl with a strong resting bitch face.

Last updated January 03, 2019