manic pixie dream girl
for me
is a complete bitch
and kind of a bully.
she’s ruthlessly judgmental
but with a distracting sparkle.
she’s queen bee
disguised as guidance
abrasive disguised as feisty.
her judgement sounds like
“here’s all the reasons
I’m better than you.”
but she makes it look like
these are all the reasons
I need her.
for me
manic pixie dream girl
is the one that’s always in control
with this enamoring bulletproof confidence.
she always takes what she wants
she conquers every battle
and she explains every single gain
as a cosmic, karmic reward.
manic pixie dream girl says
the universe will reward me
if I become just like her.
so I need her
so I can always be in control
and have a bulletproof confidence
so I can take what I want
and conquer all my battles.
but with manic pixie dream girl
I’m never in control
and I’ll never have
a bulletproof confidence
as long as she’s always better than me.
I can take what I want
but I need her seal of approval to want it
and I can only conquer my battles
unless the war is with her.
because manic pixie dream girl
is always in control
her confidence will always
be more bulletproof.
she’ll take everything she wants
because she doesn’t ask permission.
I guess we can start with this one. the girl I’m referring to is my ex best friend. my former “ride or die”. the funny thing is, she is the one who always called me her “ride or die”. she always used to say, “you know how I know xxxx is my ride or die? because we used to hate each other.”
we met in 2008, my senior year, her junior year. my childhood best friends and I had a falling out that year due to my experimentation with pharmaceuticals. “manic pixie dream girl” replaced me in our group. which I was stoked on because my drastic personality renovations included finding new friends that didn’t seem to feel like hanging out with me was an obligation, but rather something they actually wanted to do.
at the end of my senior year, I ventured into the local rave scene. this was an issue because my ex best friends and manic pixie dream girl were “hardcore kids”. and in my city, “hardcore kids” violently hated ravers. and I mean violently. mpdg threatened to beat my ass on multiple occasions for, literally, no reason at all. I had left all them alone. I was having adventures and meeting new people and trying new things and I didn’t give a second thought to them.
and then when school ended for me, we officially started living our lives separate from each other for a few years.
cut to 2012. I’m on my way toward exiting the rave scene. it was fun, and some of my best stories come from those years, but it was not something I wanted to stick with forever. somehow, through facebook, contact occurred between my old best friends and I. we eventually hung out, which was weird but familiar. I still felt like I was in a fishbowl, like they were all watching and waiting for me to do something. yet, it also felt easier than before because I had definitely become my own person who did not feel the need to be accepted by them anymore. then mpdg and I began talking over tumblr. she was in the midst of a falling out with one of my ex best friends because she was staying with a clearly bad dude and mpdg did not approve.
I was also on my way out of my own crappy relationship and for some reason, something about mpdg felt like liberation. something about her made me feel like I could reclaim my autonomy. and I did, and she was most definitely a big part of that. but I also see now that she does that, helps someone reclaim their autonomy only to make herself the person they are dependent of. sneaky little cult leader vibe, I am totally aware of now and will hopefully never fall into again.
cut again to 2014, when peanut and I reunited romantically. mpdg did not approve. I’m sure you can guess what happened next.
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