when the switch flips in Round 2

So I feel that everything is falling apart. i keep being told the things that matter are actions and although those actions are mostly good, what happens when they arent. I love you turns into love ya and im the only one saying it first, then name calling and im just playing calm down…subtle things such as i wont beg you to be here you want to find someone else then go…i feel in my heart this is over and yet I keep fighting to fix it…i want this…when will i learn
that i deserve to be desired and fought for. I deserve to not have to wonder where I stand. i dont understand how i find ntself in this over and over. i was told that he drew his line in the sand, he has told me over and over that Im an option when hes ready. sometimes I feel like he is trying to make me leave so he can say its my fault… my feet are cemented to the floor. he hurts me when he says things sometimes then he makes it worse by saying stuff like omg big baby i was just kidding. Im in a fog, like the twilight zone or something…I dont feel that its even me leading my life. Im on auto pilot and kinda numb to things....m really a great person, why hasnt someone seen that yet why am i still trying to convince people to keep me around.
to be yelled at for something i have no control over and doing the best I can with what i have, then being made to feel guilty about it then being made to feel like im the wrong one then being told fine I wont talk to you at all then because all i do is yell, then name called and mocked and taunted for 2 hrs after that, then ignored and pushed aside. I think that about covers it…this has been the pattern for about 2 weeks now… when asked about why im told its not that way when asked what im told nothing, i asked why they were mad at me and was told drop it, Im at a loss…had a conversation that basically we agreed we need to work together for this to work then by the end of the day this is where we are at…I feel he needs serious help. he needs psychiatric help and therapy and counseling and some medication may not hurt. i wish i mattered to you the way to matter to me, I wish that i was as big a priority to you as you are to me and most of all I wish that you treated me well enough that I didnt wonder where I stood every other day. you are hot and cold and keep me guessing and thats shitty…I want to be valuable. what would you do without me…do I not bring enough to the table for you, then let me go dont mistreat me and break down what I have worked so hard to repair…this worse part is that I will never be able to say anything to you. I will eventually get the ability to leave and stay gone, not like last time where I took you back or the other time where I practically begged you to take me back......I will eventually pack up my heart and be able to be ok with cleaning my hands of this…I wanted nothing more than for us to work and be together but I cant let you mistreat me…I am not your punching bag....i will leave and you will feel supirior because you are better than me because you did nothing wrong and im the one that cant handle things whats funny is that you think its because im insecure…you tell people im jealous and that im crazy......you really hurt me yelling at me and name calling and tearing me down the way you did, love doesnt do that…I feel like the lines between playing and being serious blurred and you were just being hateful. Heres the part where you call me names and laugh…whats this i love you more business you try to convince me of....idk im so confused but thats how you like it though right… you said all these exes of yours were crazy and drama filled, before or after you?