The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
I am the master of insanity, especially where relationships are concerned. I dated a married man for almost a year, and believed him when he said he was going to leave his wife for me. Then he went away and came back, and I believed him when he said he was going to find a way for us to be together. Then he left for good, until a year and a half later when he came sneaking back into my life... and I loved him so much that I started believing again.
I let the phone calls and online attention go on for another year and a half, and then I couldn't take the pain anymore. He told me over and over again that no matter how much he loved and missed me, he wasn't going to leave his wife, and even if she left him, he wasn't going to leave his child. So where did that leave me? With nothing, just like before. So I told him not to contact me ever again. And he listened. And now I regret my ultimatum every day.
I don't sleep, I can't focus, I cry all the time. I have chest pains and panic attacks, and I obsessively wait for even the slightest crumb that he might drop me again. But why? I'm tired of being alone, and I am very few people's idea of beauty, and I have so many issues that no one sticks around for too long, but he made it a year... and above it all I'm still madly in love with him (or maybe just the idea of him?) and I would take him back in an instant despite the hell he's put me through for years. There has never been anyone else like him, especially not for someone like me.
I like to think that I am a decent GF, tho' my track record would probably say otherwise. Now I have all of this affection bottled up inside me and really no one to give it to. My daughter is a preteen and doesn't even want my hugs anymore, but my ex used to just sit there and let me cover him with kisses and worship every inch of him in every way possible, and it kills me that I have no one to give that kind of attention to now. And it also kills me that the only person I want to give it to probably doesn't deserve it. Not that it matters since no one else wants it either...
When I was a child, I used to get so upset that I would bang my head against the wall, hard enough to knock things off the shelves above me. It helped me to clear my mind and calm myself down, but it's certainly not normal or healthy behavior. I outgrew the habit, but this situation makes me want to bang my head against the wall all over again. The only thing that stops me is that it would scare the hell out of my daughter, and I don't want to have to try and explain any of it to her.
I wonder why I let myself be so miserable. And why do I focus on the wrong things all the time? In the last 5 years, exactly one thing has made me happy - him. And even tho' I went into the relationship thinking that it would never last, I had actually started to believe that it might... and then he broke my heart. Three times. And I let it happen. And no matter how logical anyone's argument is for me telling him to fuck off completely, I don't think there will ever be a time when I willingly say no as long as he keeps coming back.
Insanity.
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