Well #1 It’s been almost a year since I updated this thing wtf sorry #2 I know everyone has hated 2018 so please allow me this indulgence #3 Lists need three things so this is my third thing. Deal.
Anyway, I’m beginning the process of telling 2018 to go fuck itself. Hello, welcome to the show. Where to begin? I guess 2018 started off pretty well. In April, we went to Hawaii without our toddler and had an amazing time sitting on beaches and drinking and not cleaning up poop or vomit or needing to strap someone into a carseat who very much doesn’t want to be strapped into a carseat. It was all a very sharp downhill from there.
In early May I found out I was pregnant, but that was short lived. I started spotting and then started bleeding. I was also feeling dizzy and nauseous to boot, so I called the nurse helpline. I thought I was having a miscarriage, so when I showed up at the Dr’s office the next day I thought I’d prepared myself for the worst case scenario. No. I had not. I found out I wasn’t having a miscarriage, I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that I needed emergency surgery to end the pregnancy and remove my left fallopian tube. Happy fucking Monday!
So I had the surgery and went through a few weeks of recovery, during which time I received a phone call from the police department in Alabama informing me my aunt had passed away in her sleep. She wasn’t old (63, I believe) so it wasn’t expected and things were even more shitty because she had a strained relationship with pretty much everyone in my family except me. But if I’m honest, she was kind of a hard person to get along with and she had a lot of mental health struggles that added to those challenges. It was triggering of a lot of things. I felt bad that I hadn’t made more effort to stay in touch with her (she usually called me because, to be honest, I didn’t really enjoy a lot of our interactions) and I felt terrible she died alone, possibly depressed, and out of contact with her family (except me). They also never had a funeral for her, which I think is just bad form and made mourning her even more difficult.
I also found out around that same time that the company I worked for was being shut down and I was being laid off. The money aspect of losing the job really wasn’t a big deal (mostly) but I’d worked there for five years and it was the only job I’ve ever had that gave me hope that sometimes good people win and that a company can succeed without being a bunch of terrible bots who say things like money money money briefcase briefcase briefcase. Also, we were shut down because our biggest rival bought us and laid everyone off, and they were all terribly boring and awful people.
I found out I was pregnant again in August (I think?) and had a strange confidence about it because I really felt like the universe had already shit on me enough that it needed to give me this damn baby. Well, it didn’t. I had a miscarriage around week 6.5 (after two weeks of blood tests and early ultrasounds to confirm it wasn’t another ectopic trying to kill me). It wasn’t ectopic, but I started bleeding and that was that about 48 hours later.
We tried to get pregnant the following two months and failed, though each month i was convinced i was pregnant because I kept having symptoms. Turns out, miscarriages can change your PMS symptoms, so mine have changed to include mild nausea, sore boobs, hunger, strange pains near my reproductive parts, and extreme mood swings. So. Cool. Thanks, body!
Anyway, it’s been a real shit storm of a year (not even thinking about the world outside my door) and I really can’t fucking wait for 2019. And as a warning to 2019, if you fuck with me I will fuck back. So don’t even think about it.
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