Life goes on in Continuation

Honestly, I really hate myself and I know that’s a weird place to start this but fuck it. When I was young these things didn’t bother me, I just didn’t care I guess. I guess it started when things started changing with my mom. It got pretty bad and it just made me hate life and myself for being to young to do anything at the time but it stuck with me. I’ve always been shy, Idk even growing up I had a little crush on my sister’s friend but I could never let her know. I guess I’m most afraid of rejection, so I just don’t try. Really though, now a days I know for a fucking fact there’s no point in trying to be with anyone or Idk finding a state of happiness that will last. I’m just really tired of hurting. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. I know that’s dramatic but it’s possible ya know. Why does just being alive have to hurt so much. I fucking hate it when I cry, it makes me feel weak but at the same time it feels good. I just don’t know what to do now. I’m not even sad that I don’t want to live anymore, I’m sad that I’m not sad about it lol. Honestly, I’m to big of a pussy to kill myself I think, I have been so fare anyway. Now that I’m alone again it’s like worse somehow, like I’ve really had a taste of what being happy is. Obviously, I get happy, like I have a great time with my friends and everything but it’s different being with someone I guess, it’s a different kind of joy. I guess it just makes me feel better to talk about it. Idk, it’s like being with someone makes me not want to hate myself because they love me and it like I want to do better and be better for them. I’ve been told that everything happens for a reason but I feel like that doesn’t mean it’s always a good reason. I guess I just wish I didn’t feel so much, honestly I want to stop in a way. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day.