I must let go, if only to survive. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

There is a lot on my mind lately. I just have sat down in front of my keyboard and haven’t been able to find the words so tonight…I will try with a dear you. For one specific person. Here goes nothing.

Dear you,
I’m still stuck on you. I still love you. But we talked and mutually decided to stay just friends because you don’t want more. I respect that and I respect you, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt. I am trying. I am. Very hard, to not let my emotions fuck with our friendship. I love your company. I love just sitting and joking around with you. Talking about shit. Learning as much as I can about you. But under all that, there is still pain involved. Laughing, talking to you about dumb shit, learning about your family and what you’re doing with your schooling and you venting to me about your family stuff, and just you. I’ll never stop doing my best to be what you need me to be. But at the same time, knowing that it will never be more than just friends hurts. In those moments, I ignore it and bury it, because it’s what’s best for you. Give me time and I will figure out a way to get over you. I don’t know how or even if I will tell you any of this, but I need to at least vent it out somewhere. You asked me to come up for your grandmother’s memorial. Ha, I honestly never thought you would actively ask me to come up there again after our talk. I honestly expected to just be at arms length. But I came up. Met more of your family, hung out with you. Had a great time. But there were moments that truly stung. I didn’t need the slipping of you having a “boy toy.” I didn’t need to hear about you needing your sister to prevent you from messaging exes and shit. It hurts. Knowing that I couldn’t make you happy. Hurts knowing that in spite of our chemistry, it will never be more. The little joking, if you bit me I would like it thing. Knowing that I won’t feel you biting me. All of that stuff reminds me how it’s not me. It wasn’t me. It won’t be me. That sucks.

Half way through writing this I decided to switch to an analog writing method, so I did get to sorta vent it all out. I messaged her the other day telling her how I wasn’t over her and I wasn’t quite ready for topics like that. That I am trying to get over my shit and not have it negatively affect our friendship. But it is also important for us to get to the right spot for us for me to communicate that. She understands and said it was something that like…left her mouth and the thought came after it was too late. But we will work on it.

It just hurts sometimes to enjoy time with someone you care for and know it will never be more than that. I will getthrough this and I will make things right between us but damn if it doesnt hurt right now.