Written on 9/15/1999
Well, my new diary is doing exactly what i wanted it to do - showing me that my pathetic excuses about why i’m eating are really excuses - and really pathetic! My own mind can live with this but i hate to show it to the world.
Maybe i’ll actually stop behaving like an idiot. Or maybe i’ll just stop writing about it.
I haven’t been in the gym for the last week. I kid myself it’s because of the AWFUL test i had today, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t even because i didn’t want to go to the gym. it was because i didn’t want to think about self improvement. Usually i spend about 1/2 of the time from the moment i enter the gym to the moment i leave after the shower thinking that i will finally get myself together and work on all the things i need to do, and finally be a better person. But at the moment it all seems so hopeless.
My main problem is - I don’t love my boyfriend. I’ve been reaching this conclusion slowly but surely during the last few days. Why am i at work writing to the faceless masses instead of going home to be with him? Why don’t i ever want to go to bed with him anymore? Why do i feel exactly as bummed and clueless about my future than i did when i was alone?
BUT - if i don’t love him then why was i so happy that i hadn’t gained any weight when he was away for a week? i so wanted to impress him, didn’t want to let him down.
And i know that if i stay with him, i will never go through a brakeup again. Never be dumped. I know he won’t leave me...
Isn’t that a great thought? Never in the world to have to go through that awful feeling - close to death but with ego issues involved - being dumped?
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